Loneliness

This week has been better, the loneliness is slowly going away. I realized that there is all types of loneliness. I have that deep dark loneliness where you see no hope of anything getting better. This type happened to me many years ago (14). When I became clean, and I still had to face lots of my consequences and face the past. That loneliness is dark and frightening. Then there is the loneliness that you feel when you are in a room and there is people all around and you are not a part of that crowd and you feel alone is crowd full of people. You know there is hope and light but maybe its not meant for you. I also have felt that loneliness. There is that loneliness when you are sitting some where and you know that you do not belong because you have done awful things and how in the world could anyone want you and you definitely do not deserve to be there. I have felt that loneliness also.

My loneliness I feel now is like non other I have ever experience. My loneliness is for things that I had at home: friends that I can laugh with, little children who ran and hug me and call me Nana Joyce, friends who I can say " Can you believe what he(being husband) did?" and still know I am crazy about him. A friend who calls me up and says we are going to Walmart want to come? Some one who can laugh with me when I feel as if I am going to cry? To see my mom and to hang out with her? but at the same time who will remind me REMEMBER YOU PRAYED ABOUT THIS!! My loneliness is not that I am alone its that I am waiting for things to come. I am waiting to find those friends, who are not afraid to be my friend even though I am here for a short time. But then again when it comes time for me to graduate,  I will pray about it one more time and who knows what Heavenly Father will have in mind for us.
My loneliness is teaching me a lesson that I need. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and knows my heart desires and I am learning from him. I am learning to lean on him during this loneliness and to lean on Kevin. I have prayed more and read the scriptures more than I usually do. My spirit is lifted and my heart knows we are in the right place. Now I am learning that it is in his time. But on the same note don't we all have to learn that?