Group

  I am part time group counselor and being off work has caused me to start thinking alot about different things. In one of groups we looked at a video and its name was Cross Addiction. I think the one thing I have learned by working at Treatment center that most of clients want to continue to getting high but not into trouble when they first arrive. The second thing I have learned is this amazing hope and love for the clients. Each one has taught me something very different, sometimes about myself or about being a social worker.
 So anyway on the film they were talking about relapsing and how its done very innocently and by quitting what you know will keep you strong. For example: quit meetings, stop exercising, pushing family away, etc. You get the point right?  One lady started she got hit by a car and the doctor gave her pain pills. Then she started using the pain pills wrong and that lead her into the thinking process of its ok to have one drink. She said within a few months she was thinking a liter a day, she would put her child on the bus then make all of her calls and pushed her husband away and eventually divorced him. I thought the part that she started because she was in pain. Then her thought process lead her to think what is one drink? Then she was back into the drinking and etc.So relapse is not oops I did this without thinking but a process.  I can not think of anything would cause me to go back to using. I know I am very careful about where and what I do. Even though its been 11 years.
  Another guy talked about the different activities that takes his mind back to his using. He said one night he was getting a mirror out to shave with and changing his razor and all of sudden his mind went back to when he was cutting coke to get high. We all have those things that remind us of getting high. One of mine, you know the children's cotton candy that comes in the alumunim packages that you find out the counter well when you first open that the smell reminds me of crack. But regular cotton candy does not make me feel that way. The feeling of walking outside on a really cold cold day and you take a real deep breathe and you body goes numb to me that is what crack used to do. The difference today is I have tools to fight with, I have examine the deeper issues and the fixable one I have and/or know what I need to do to stay clean. I don't go around buying the cotton candy or I do not on purpose take a deep breath outside. It does not have to be drugs What do you do that reminds you of a bad time?

Wednesday I went home from work I had serious pain in my right side. I never really say anything about anything hurting. My legs have hurt since I was 18 because of all the blood clots and the circulation in my legs are horrible. By the time I get home in the evening my left leg is usually about 5/6 inches bigger then my right and very swollen. But my side hurt and it hurt real bad and it was hurting in between my shoulder blades.  So I left the work and since my doctor could not work me in I went to the walk in clinic in Anson. Which i really like. Well we did a chest xray and cat scan for the pain. We found pneumonia in the lungs and small kidney stone. So he put me on medication and told me to follow up with Dr. office. On Friday I went to see Kelly at the doctor office. We found pleurisy.

Pleurisy is caused by inflammation of the linings around the lungs (the pleura), a condition also known as pleuritis. There are two layers of pleura: one covering the lung (termed the visceral pleura) and the other covering the inner wall of the chest (the parietal pleura). These two layers are lubricated by pleural fluid.
Pleurisy can be caused by any of the following conditions:

• Infections: bacterial (including those that cause tuberculosis), fungi, parasites, or viruses
  
• Inhaled chemicals or toxic substances: exposure to some cleaning agents like ammonia
  
• Collagen vascular diseases: lupus, rheumatoid arthritis
  
• Cancers: for example, the spread of lung cancer or breast cancer to the pleura.
• I am off work for at least two weeks. So now what? I have more test to come
  
  

My Testimony

  I know that Christ lives. I know he die for my sins so that I could and would have eternal life. I know that God knows me by name and loves me. I know that I am his child and that Christ is my elder brother. I know my family is forever and is ordained by God. I am grateful for my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am grateful for temples and the fact there is one place that i can go have peace. I know if I work toward my goals that God will help me do the things that I am not able to do. I have seen forgiveness work in my life, I have a firm testimony of if you forgive others then you will feel peace. I know when I pray that he will hear and answer my prayers the way that I need them answered for my life. I will go and do the things that i am asked to do even when I do not understand why I need to do them. I am grateful for my life and my family. Happy Birthday President Uchtdorf!!!

Step 10

Have you ever thought you could be done with something and then return and realized how much you missed it. Last night I went to the recovery group at church. For anyone who does not know what that is, it is a 12 step program for anyone who suffering with an addiction with the church. Last night we had a great group, I promise that the spirit is so strong there that you could reach out and touch it. Bryan and Durell does a great job for the missionary couple.We talked about step 10 which take a daily inventory of yourself and promptly admit when you are wrong. So I believe that the 12 steps can and should be applied to your life whether you have an addiction or not. All this is telling you is not to let things brew inside and when you know you are wrong go say you are sorry or can we fix this. I know I sometimes forget that this important in my recovery, but more then that I forget this is Christ life. I wonder how often just a simple sorry could help a situation become better.

Butterflies

  I work at outpatient drug and alcohol center with christian values. It is ran by two older ladies who love everyone and they have "found" God in their walk. Well Jan Jackson is one of the counselors and she is always talking about her babies and the miracles that have taken place. During 10 months at Amani I have witness some of those miracles. Tonight probably one of my favorite clients graduated. She has had a hard life and she is the same age as Kevin and when she was giving her story I thought of the coin we gave her.One side has butterfly and the other serneity prayer. Over the 4 months she has been there I have privilege to witness a miracle and to have a sure knowledge of this miracle. I felt so honor and prievelege to be part of  it. To witness what God has allowed to plant in this young woman's life.  To me out of all the creatures that Heavenly Father has created the butterfly is the most amazing. It starts off as this ugly brown fuzzy thing that crawls on the ground and ends up being the most colorful amazing thing that gets to fly and see all the earth.

Happy Halloween!!!

  I love Halloween, I love the fun of it. I remember as a child all the fun that we used to have at Aunt Elsie and all the candy. I wonder often if we really did get all the candy I remember us getting.

Yesterday I spend the afternoon at Shephard Community Center which is organization that serves some of the poorest zip codes in Indianapolis area. They are amazing organization. They had about 26 cars that participated in the trunk or treat. They had crafts for the kids and the cars were fun. The kids were grateful I could not believe what great manners the kids had.  These were two of my favorite cars, the first one is some teenage girls who decorated their car like under the sea and the girls were dressed as mermaids. The second car had a fake boy with a gorilla suit on it. The kids either loved it or would not want to go close to it. But it caused many many laughs. What did you do for Halloween and did you have fun? Do you have great memories from your childhood about Halloween? Thanks Aunt Elsie for allowing us to come there.

The Road

  I had this amazing day at work. I work with some of my favorites. But our day started off busy and about the last hour of the 12 hour day it finally came to end. Today I was working with two nurses that has heard my story and we were talking about addiction and if anyone could become addicted. Well in my talking after wards a nurse who over heard us came to me and ask if I would be willing to talk to her sister. She needs someone who could understand addiction and this nurse said she heard motivation and hope in my voice. I reflect on my life and my addiction was bad and many bad things happened during that time and never in a million years did I think I would be a spokes person for overcoming. During that time I remember the day that I gave up on myself and thought that I could do whatever and that i would never make it through this. The day that I quit because I had cross the line in what and was not acceptable for me. The day that I quit.

Looking back over my life now I see if I had not had those experiences I would not be where I am. I would not be strong and I would have a testimony of the atonement and tender mercies of my Heavenly Father. I would not know that he loves me and knows me by name. He knows that I am here and sometimes it is hard
 and sometimes there is great joy in my life. Its the peace that I have worked for and the joy that this journey has made me that I appreciate the most. So I know that God is my rock and with him everything is possible.This road reminds me of my life sometimes it leads me to bunch of rocks but always around the bend there is something so much worth seeing and waiting for.