Wednesday

  Its just Wednesday, and I am officially off work until 2/1/11. Its two and half weeks away. I wish that the doctors could find what is causing my cough and pneumonia and why since this is the third time since November. I miss the great people I work with.
   Last night I probably had one of my favorite conversations with my middle son, Aaron I have ever had. I see this amazing man who is learning so much about himself. I see a man who has recently decided he has a great goal and he is willing to work on it. Some of the conversation made me sad that he is beating himself up so much. I wonder how many of us has done what we were talking about and not get caught. I know from past experience no one ever has to say anything about the situation because I said enough bad about myself that no one else has to.

 Aaron studying last semester

 My favorite photo of Aaron

 Aaron is about a year and his big brother, Jason. The one thing I love about my sons are they are each others best friends. I swear if they had to choose who they could spend a day with it would be each other. They would have fun in a swamp together.

 This is Aaron after he had surgery. He has been sick alot this past year. He lost about 50 lbs. and he is finally on the road to better health

Aaron is this amazing person!!

MEN

Men usually speak about 10-20,000 words a day while women speak 30-50,000 words per day with gusts up to 125,000 per day.  This is why men don't feel like talking after work because they have used their quota.

I have a friend that I date, Kevin . We have this great system because men have this great sense to fix things. Women sometimes just need to vent. So Kevin often ask me "am I fixing this" at first I was what ever. Then I would go on to get frustrated with him because he was doing what men do best "fixing". So now when I call and I need to talk the first thing out of my mouth is "I am venting or you are fixing". It has cut down on us wondering what our roles are.
I have decided to fix me and find out what exactly I want in a relationship and so that I am able to be happy with myself. Along with having a relationship, I want to get out of debt so when I am done with school I will be able to really work and have no debt. Needless to say I am reading Dave Ramsey. Which is all about debt and getting out of debt. In the middle of the book I found this: (relationship stuff)

1. Men love to share facts, women love to express feelings

2. Men connect by doing things, women connect by talking

3. Men ten to compete, women tend to cooperate

4. Men tend to be controlling, women tend to remain agreeable

5. Men tend to be independent, Women tend to interdependent.

I know if I remembered this I would often be better off. I am reading The Dance with Intimacy. It about how women can change a relationship by looking at themselves. But I just started the book. S

Girly Girly

  Sometimes in life I wished that I was more girly. I am very girly as far as the colors I like to wear and the colors of my house. My favorite color is pink and has always been. I love wearing pink it makes me feel good. I am not prissy and I don't walk in heels at all. I have never been able to wear the big heels I would fall on my face.  I love having pink in my house. My bedroom is pink and purple and it makes me feel wonderful. I wish that I knew how to wear make up better. I have always been blue jeans and t-shirts and tennis shoes.
  So this year I am trying to be more girly. One for my internship I have to dress up so I am trying to feel more comfortable. I have recently thought about my weight as far as what am I hiding behind. So now I am thinking why is that I am happy to be a woman but why don't feel comfortable being "girly". So I am going to work on dressing up more and keeping my hair done.  Then I want to learn to wear make-up. Yes I realize that I am 46 and have not wore make up in years. So thank goodness for google (LOL). I have always said that God knew what he was doing to give me all boys. I have no clue how to teach the girl stuff like make up etc....

 I just got a cute hair cut I never show pictures of myself.  I normally don't keep my hair the natural color but I guess I had forgotten that my hair was so dark. I have decided not to dye my hair and keep it dark.

Hiding

 Jason went home today to New York. Yes I said home, that is where he considers home. Kevin went home to Fort Wayne the same for him. I doubt he will ever be back to indy area.
 Yesterday Kevin (my friend) told me he did not want to think about moving out of state.


I have learned a lot about who I am over the last 10 years by the path I have taken in life. I learned that the drugs from my past was to hide from my past.
  When I was about 16 I started having seizures, grand-mals, Then I learned and took care of the bad memories from my childhood, I stopped having seizures. I have not had a seizures in over 6 years and I haven't been on medication for 5.5 years.  Before sixteen I woke up many times with my tongue bitten up and sore muscles so my mom and I often wonder how many I had before my parents actually witness one.
With quite bit of counseling I learned what the underlying problem was and I found the desire to lead a different life is the result of being a whole person. But today at work I thought about my weight I wonder what it is I am hiding from by being overweight. I wonder for a lot of different reasons......I wonder if extra weight lately is because I have been down lately. Could it be?
What am I afraid of? What am I hiding from in my weight? What am I willing to do to lose the weight?
As far as knowing how to lose the weight I know how? So am I going to keep my membership at the Y or what is the deal?

i know I never learn anything with 2x4 being hit up side my head, so I am sure this will be one of them. :)

Ever thought about?

  I have thought about the new goals for the year. I want to make the right ones so I am not necessarily making them quickly. I want to make the right ones.

1. I have made the first one a while ago. It was to make A's next semester.
2.Second one is to lose weight. I have gained a lot of weight lately. I am embarrassed by it. So starting Jan 10 it all starts. I know I like being accountable to someone or something, it works for me but some people don't have to be accountable.
3. To exercise everyday. I am getting the Yoga that Tina told me to get. So lets see!
More to come

Sunday

 I went to my Crossroads ward today. I always feel so loved when I go and visit by everyone. I think Brother Scott is this wonderful person and he always makes me feel so good. (17 second miracle)  I really love the first Sundays of the month. In our church, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we have the opportunity to share our testimony of the Savior and his love for us. During our family meeting we do this. I am grateful to listen to everyone and their love for the Savior. It makes me grow stronger and stronger.
I know that Savior knows me by name and he loves me. I know that when I pray to God he listens and answers my prayers the way he knows that they should be answered. I am grateful for the gospel and the teachings. I am a better person because I have chose to live the gospel. I know my family is forever and I want to live with them for all eternity.

January 1, 2011

I think today's date is really nice. 1-1-11. With it being all one's it could mean its time to start over at a new place. I know last year I almost let resentments build and stay with me. Then about end of November I realized what i was doing. Resentments for a person in recovery can be a really bad thing because it leads to the old way of thinking. According to the 12 steps it reminds me that resentment is the number one offender.
 So in order for this to be then that means I have dig up the very things that led me down the road to the addiction. So I was on my way to thinking that no liked me or I wasn't really doing anything good in this life.  So I have prayed and studied on this and I have decided for every time I want to "re-feel" or resent I will look at all the things I have done or that someone has done for me. So that leads me to my new year resolution of
17 second Miracle:    I am keeping a journal for myself. Today's was when I went to my pod and saw Alicia which is this really cute nurse and she simply said "I am happy to see you I always enjoy working with you".