Happy New Year!!

 Its Happy New Year's eve and its that time of the year when we all make resolutions to do different for the next year. I want to change a few things about me and I like the fact that a day has been set aside for this. But right now is not when i want to write about it except one. I just read Seventeen second Miracle. Its all about how an average person can create a miracle for someone else in s 17 seconds. So I have decided to to keep a 17 second journal on what has been done for me.

Oops!

  You know when you feel resentments about a situation and you accidently let it slip out. You make someone else feel bad. I really did not mean to say what I said.

I read the book Seventeen Second Miracle by Jason Wright. Its amazing book. Its all about how a person can make a difference in seventeen seconds. How a smile, or telling someone that they look nice, or holding a door open for them can change their day. So I am putting it to the test. I have decided to try this in the year and I will keep track of how others make a difference in my life.

Today I witnessed the following: Amber who is this wonderful lady at work and she does a lot of different jobs at the Heart center. A gentleman walked up to our station and she stopped what she was doing to listen to him and to really listen with her heart. The ma's father had died last year and it was his parents anniversary and he was sad. As he talked of his father, I witness Amber really help him. She validated his feelings and he walked away feeling better and knowing that this incredible sadness will leave. I felt honored watching her being a angel to him. 

stars

tonight I heard the following: Follow the Star in your heart

Think about that! I have most of the evening. Am I following the star? Do i know what direction I want to shine?
Am I doing what my Heavenly Father wants me to do. How brightly do I want my star to shine? Am I content to let my star be the one the clouds hide or am I the one that shines no matter what the storms are?

More.........

More on Christmas I love the house.I love the fact that we celebrate the birth of Christ. Its a birthday party for Christ and everyone gets to celebrate. I think that is why I love to shop and watch everyone shop. I love the fact that everyone is shopping because they love the people they shop for.

This is the beloved Cindy dog who is 15 years old. Mom and Dad went and got her when the boys lived with them to help them feel better. She is so loved by all 9 grandkids!!

these  are pictures of the snow village at Mom and Dad's

Christmas Day

PS sorry I could not figure out how to turn the picture

  I think my favorite thing of Christmas is the tradition of my family. We always go over to Mom and Dad's house on Christmas eve and spend the night. Everyone is home. This morning at 8 am Greg came over and the fun begins. I love while mom is cooking  I usually read to her. Its one of my favorite things I do. Then the spirit of Christmas is what I love. The house is full of love!!!  Jason was in silly mood and Aaron got his much desired bongo drums and he walked around playing the drums with his furry hunter hat on. It made me giggle!! Kevin brought his friend Dominque with him, I am so happy the boys feel that we have the best Christmases and they want their friends there. I love the laughter and the jokes, and the playing in the house by everyone. 

Grades

 I finished my semester at University of Indianapolis. My grades were ok

Old Testament A    Working with and for Youth  B+     Working with Youth Service Learning  A
Macro Human Social Work  A-     Understanding Addictions A.   Not bad for working full time and a million of things on my plate. I finished with 3.769 for the semester.

I love Christmas time!!

 I am one of those freaks that love shopping during the Christmas season. There are two favorites days but not for the usual reasons. I love black Friday for a couple of reasons: 1. I love watching people shopping for the people they love. Don't you think its amazing that people are willing to stand in line for hours for the people they love? they are willing to fight for the last toy for someone they love?
Second day I think its amazing to shop on Christmas Eve. Don't you wonder how men forget that Christmas falls on the same day every year but when you go to the mall on Christmas Eve there are thousands of men shopping for their ladies. It makes me giggle :)
  Then the magic of Christmas!! For a morning or day the whole world forgets and just loves people!

I love the magic of Christmas!

Do you ever wonder?

  Today in sacrament meeting, we had a great talks. I love Christmas and everything with it. Today as we were sitting there I started letting my mind wonder. I wonder how Mary felt when the angel appeared to her and told her that she was going to be the mother of Savior. I wonder if she thought about watching her son go through the things he had. To have a child be spit on , made fun of, teased. As a mother I have thought about that many times of this, I don't know if I could do this. I don't know if I could  be so unselfish and not save my son. Even though the whole world is riding on him. I wonder if she ever thought that. I wonder if she ever prayed to have his cup and let him have quietness on this earth. I wonder as she watched her son be nailed to the cross if she asked why me? Why does this have to happen to my son? As she watched him pray for the thieves on both side of him if she thought I raised him right?  When he took his last breathe did she fall to her knees and beg for him to come back? 

  Not that Aaron is the Savior of the world but he is mine. I watch him and I wished that I could take his cup. I would love to take his hurt from him and give him back a unbroken spirit. I wish I could make it better for him and let him walk away a stronger man for this. I wish that I could take back the hurt I have caused in his life. I love Aaron and it hurts my heart and soul to watch him.

Today

  Today has been a busy busy day. I have accomplished a lot for next year.  I have to do my junior practicum and I had three choices to make. 1st catholic charities working with senior program, Second one is PACE working with men/women coming out of jail/prison and third working at hospice working with people dying. I really wanted to do the third one but I never heard back from the hospice. The first sone felt like I was repeating what I am doing at the hospital. The third one will benefit me, I am sure. But its hard to know how to work my schedule so that I am able to do everything I need to do. Almost to the point where I can not breathe. At the interview today I had to share some of the things I have done in the past. Well I told them about:

Horizon House-working with the employment center, where I helped with the computer time. Helping learn to move around on the computer. Helped in the resume classes.  Then I would help prepare lunch and serve to the people in the employment center.

Flanner House-worked to develop the employment center. Looked jobs up and added to the employment board each week.

Wishard Hospital-OB/Gyn Substance abuse clinic-worked with Dr. Nocon and met with the clinics for their appointments. Then would talk with the girls about AA and how to find the meetings and why they should go.
Will write more later as I think of it.

3 finals down

  I can not believe that its the end of the first semester at University of Indianapolis. I have completed three finals so far. In my addiction group I had to do a paper on Child Pornography and it was a awful paper. Every time I worked on it I felt evil around me. I did get a A on the paper and the power point. The point of the paper was to point out a lot of behaviors were the same as alcoholic and drug addicts behaviors. On Tuesday I have my last final in religion. Then the semester is over. I have three more to go!!
 Greg has been wonderful lately. He has helped alot with extra expenses for Aaron. Then Jason told us that he was hitch hiking home. It worried me but I did not have the money to bring him home. Then Greg called on Monday and told me he brought Jason a ticket to come home for Christmas. He was worried about brilliant son hitchhiking. He will never know what it means to me.

Greg is my ex husband and my good friend. I was just sitting here thinking about our life together. We married after knowing each other for just 6 months. We were married for 11 years and now we have been divorced for almost 15 years. I thought the grass was greener on the other side or at least more exciting but its not. I miss him and I miss being married. We both have grown up a lot and found how to be happy with our selves. In the process we have found out how to maintain a healthy relationship as parents and hopefully as grandparents in the future. 

I am better!!

  I went to Super Saturday today. I feel better. I lifted my spirit and my soul feels better. I needed to hang out with these great ladies of Eagle Creek ward. They are wonderful.  My soul was delighted today by my friends!!
Thank you!! Love you all.

I just want to be SAD

  I have been off work since November 3, 2010 and I could have went back last week the doctor cleared me. But the employee nurse at work would not clear me. It did not matter that I had no PTO time/vacation time. So yesterday was my first day back and pay day. Which I already knew meant zero. But then I get a call at work to tell me next pay day I will have $122.31 deducted from that check for the benefits for this check. which is fine and I know you have to pay. Its the paycheck before Christmas!! What did I do I cried at work in front of everyone!! Its not the lack of money its the no money situation! Its right before Christmas. I am very used to living from paycheck to paycheck!!
  I even know that there is a end to this. I will have a degree in BA in Social Work in year and half. So I know there is a chance to make more money. But right now I just want to be sad!! I understand and know people that have so much more to deal with in life than I do. I have friends that struggle with sickness, death, and etc. I have nurse friend who's baby has cancer. I have sister with cancer. I have a nephew who is has disabilities but such a great blessing! I have friends who has lost their husbands/wives, children who go hungry everyday except school lunches, I have friends with no jobs!! I know I could have it worse and I have had it worse but I want to be sad for a short time!!

Who would you call?

 Today I was sitting and relaxing and reading a book. Its the books of questions. One of them is

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?

I could think of people I would not have to call. Like my parents, they know I love them and I show them I love them. By doing the things they need done when they ask me to. I show them respect. But if I did call them I would tell my mom that she is a great mom. She has taught us by example and deed. That I truly would miss her as my mom and my friend. To watch out for the boys. Never change the rules in the house. Thank her for showing me what it is like to be married to her best friend. i would tell her that I know the Savior lives and he is waiting for me.

Then my dad, I would tell him I love him. Thank you for being such a great dad. I would tell him thank you for never never giving up on me. Thank you for considering me one of the miracles in his life and for helping me get back there. I love you dad and I will truly miss talking to you every day. Thank you for showing us what a Christ like life is. Thank you for teaching me how important family is .

 I would not have to call the boys because now they are grown who would I call. 
I know what I would say to each of them if I did not have long to live. 

Jason you are my first, I love you with all my mind and soul. Son, there is nothing I would not do for you or want for you. You taught me to love education. You have taught me to love to learn. I have watched your face light up since you were really young when you learned a new math skill. I am proud of you. I want you to know that Heavenly father loves you and he will listen to your prayers as well as mine for you.  remember some day Peter Pan can go away and you will be fine and happy. I am sorry that I missed parts of your life that I should have been there for. I am sorry that you had to live with your Grandparents instead of me being the mom you needed. I am sorry that you feel as if you need to protect your brothers when i should have been the protector. That my son is my biggest regret in life.

Aaron you have taught me so much in life. I think the biggest thing is laughter and happiness. No matter what you just keep going. You were kind of like my first one to as a young married person. you taught me patience and to chose my battles carefully. You taught me love the small things in life. You taught me to love everything from rocks to ants. You have seen the world from the top of the highest swingset to the bottom of the lake. You have not feared. I have loved seeing the world through your eyes. I love you and so proud to be your mom. I am sorry that i was not there for you as times in your life. I am sorry that I missed really important things that was important to you. I know Heavenly Father and the angels protect you I have seen it. Since before you were born you have been protected. Please keep that in the back of your mind as you finish your life. Be who you are and continue to let the angels protect you. I love you more then life. 

Kevin, I love you. You are the baby. You have taught me more than you will ever know. IYou have taught me that sometimes in life you have to be soft and tough all at the same time. You are small but you are mighty. I love you and so proud to be your mom. I have wanted you and your brothers since I was a small child. With my pregnancy it was hard and if I had not put you in jeopardy I would have kept having more. But when you came out and the blood thinners had past over to you and you almost died. I knew that I was done and Heavenly Father had let me keep you that you would be so loved. I love the fact how you three love each other more than your own lives.  I am proud of you and your choices.I love the fact that you are soft and romantic!!That you will go see Nicholas Sparks movies with me and that you will call and listen when you need advise. I am sorry that I was not there to teach you to cook or dance. The things I missed out with your brothers and you are my biggest regrets. 

I would have to call my sister. We know we love each other. We have life of good memories and laughter together. We have cried together and we have laughed until milk came through our noses. I would not have to call because she knows I love her and she loves me. If I did make her my last call I would share my testimony of the Savior and his love for me. To tell her please remind my children that I am there waiting for my family. 

My true friends, I would not have to call because I try to be a friend. I work really hard on the fact that i believe that your last words my truly be your last. I love my friends and the people that have touched my world. I would let them know I know I will see them

I would not have to call Greg. He knows how sorry I am for messing us up and that I have forgiven him. I would hopefully over the years showed him that I am so happy he is the father of our sons. I love you and I hope you have happiness and peace through out your life. 


I don't think I would make a phone call because all these people I would have talked to recently and I would have told how grateful I am and how much I love them. How about you? Who would you call?
   

Addiction paper

  Two months I was given an assignment of writing about child pornography as a addiction. This has been the hardest paper I have ever written. Every time I sit down I feel evil. I really feel it when ever I have to think about this subject or put time into it. Then I came over to my friend, Kevin Beaven's house so that he could finalize the paper with me. He is very technical and very critical of most things I write. So I am always on the defense with him. Because he is a technical and logical person I am sure I get on his nerves.

To change the subject, I have been thinking about going to graduate school away from Indiana. I am going to apply at University of Ky in lexington. Outside of my parents and boys there is nothing here in Indiana for me.

Tradition

Tradition is deep in my family. I think its because we love how mom and dad did things. One of the things we do and I  love is my dad and I have our annual shopping trip on Black Friday. Its fun and I look forward to it all year. With mom we plan this amazing day in November that we attend the Christmas and Hobby show at the fairgrounds together. The whole day is just for us. Both things I look forward to and we have such a blast.
Yesterday, Aaron and Mom went with us. We had such a good time. We went to HH Gregg at 4, and then worked our way to Target, Walmart, and the Mall.Mom and Dad have worked hard so that we loved Christmas and the Holidays. I really don't think there is a holiday where we have not established a tradition.


I love Black Friday because where so many people look at it as a day of head aches. I see alot of people shopping for the people they love. I see mom and dad shopping because they know they get great deals and they can afford the one extra gift that any other day they would not be able to afford.  I see a whole lot of Love in that day.

3 weeks

 I am three weeks away from the end of my first semester at University of Indianapolis. This semester has been tough emotionally and physically for me. Over and over my health has really taken a toll on me. I have also been really depressed. I think often I need to be the strong one and not let anyone see that I am hurting. I wonder if all women feel that way. I also know that during my life I have had it a lot harder so it really does not matter when I feel a little down. My lungs still hurt!!! but not like they had been.

Sabbath

  I have two really cute friends that I have learned to love. They are ladies in my Dad's ward. Sometimes in life you are blessed with the opportunity to help someone and you end up learning more from them then they from you. This morning Shirley had her first talk in sacrament meeting and it was on gratitude. It was simple and sweet. She has worried about it and fret and she did wonderful. I walked away from the talk thinking about how we forget to be grateful for the simple things.Like our family just because they love us. Our church family because they are willing to help us. and our calling just because they love us and we love them.

Dreams

Isn't it funny how dreams change over time. When my sister, Tina and I were little girls are dreams are a lot different now. I remember Tina's dream being a business woman with one kid, mine was to be a mommy but no work dream. That is the nice thing about dreaming it can change. Now I watch Tina with her six children and what a great mom she is!!! I know her dreams include her children and her wonderful husband.
  My dreams are very different. I know that my dream is what kept me alive often. The three little boys who I love more then anything. The idea that I would never see them again keeps my clean along with a lot of other things. That dream has changed from when I was a little girl. I often think about how my choices have changed my life. I wanted to be married forever and now I have been divorced for 15 years and never remarried. I wanted to only be a mommy!! Now the boys are grown and I am full time student. I can see myself in the poorest areas working and working the rest of my life.
  I love dreaming and seeing what I am dreaming! I am grateful for all the dreams that are available to dream!! In a book I was reading it talked about different people and their dreams. The book is called I Believe!!
Did you know these facts? Ray Kroc founded McDonald's at age 57, Michelangelo painted the Sisten Chapel at age 71, George Burns won his first oscar at age 80. Cal Evans wrote his first book on the American West at age 104. Its never to late to dream!!

Saturday

   I am busy working on homework. I have a paper to finish on Zionsville for Social Work Macro Class. Then for addiction class I have a paper on child pornography, which is very hard. If google child porn it will literally turn up child pornography. So the paper has turned out to be harder then I thought. Then the third paper is about an agency and its profile. Well enough about all the things I have. I did forget about my paper of Job. Anyone wants to help?

Accomplishments

 This morning I am trying to get to moving. Here is some of my thoughts. I having some different problems going on in my body. I wonder if I did not quit using what would my body look like? I really do know this answer, I have prayed about it. But in order to share this I have to tell you another story about when I first became clean. Right after I knew I wanted to be clean I moved in with my parents and my sons. By this time everything I owned was gone, and I had no where to go. I always knew that if I quit using I could go home. Well anyway back to the story, Eric (known as the devil according to my sons) is the man who got me hooked on the drug. No matter where I went or how hard I tried he found me when I was first getting clean. I worked at Toys R Us that first christmas. One day I am there I looked up and Eric had got a job there. ?Well I was a morning cashier and he was night stocker. So I never saw him much and I even changed my schedule to come in later. So once a gain Satan is playing with me the whole time of me wanting to do right. Any way his birthday is coming and he ask me if I wanted to go out to dinner at the Mall. So we did and then he said he got a room over at the hotel, I knew I had to be on the 10 pm bus or I would not have a home to go home to. So I agree and I brought him a birthday present. So we to the hotel and he pulled out a eight ball. To this day I remember my heart beating and my mouth watering. I wanted to. Remember by this time I had been clean 2 months. I wanted to bad.
THEN I remembered super nose which is my mom. My mom can smell anything and we jokely call her super nose. Well she scared me and I also knew that she held my life in her hands for a couple of reasons, she had my sons, I had to have a home for probation, and I was starting to feel better. So the fear of my mom was worst then the desire to use that day. I told Eric no and I ran out the door and I knew I still had time to catch the proper bus and be home on time to meet the guidelines so that I could still live at home.
The next morning I called Eric to see if he had a nice birthday. His brother Jeffrey said Joyce he is dead. I said"give him the phone quit playing". Jeffrey said that he came home and was laying in the floor and he told Jeffrey that his heart did not feel right and he took a deep breathe and died. The coroner's report his heart explored from the crack. The crack I would have smoked that night. My fear of my mom's nose saved my life. The hope that I could do this saved my life. This is a true story and it really happened. But to answer the question if I still used I would have died right along with Eric that night. Except we would have died in the hotel room and it would have taken a couple of days to find us. So noses are wonderful!
  So my next thought is what if I had never used what would my body be like now?  When I ask this question it makes me ask myself would I be on the path I am today. I do not know if I would have gone back to school. Probably not. Would I take my life for granted? Would I take my family for granted? I know now that in a blink of eye Satan can get a hold of you and hold you so tight that none of the things that matter no longer matter. I do know that I am clean because Heavenly Father never allowed me to lose the thought of my family completely or that he lives and loves me completely. So I have many accomplishments in my life but my biggest one is my family and everything it took to get them back.

Group

  I am part time group counselor and being off work has caused me to start thinking alot about different things. In one of groups we looked at a video and its name was Cross Addiction. I think the one thing I have learned by working at Treatment center that most of clients want to continue to getting high but not into trouble when they first arrive. The second thing I have learned is this amazing hope and love for the clients. Each one has taught me something very different, sometimes about myself or about being a social worker.
 So anyway on the film they were talking about relapsing and how its done very innocently and by quitting what you know will keep you strong. For example: quit meetings, stop exercising, pushing family away, etc. You get the point right?  One lady started she got hit by a car and the doctor gave her pain pills. Then she started using the pain pills wrong and that lead her into the thinking process of its ok to have one drink. She said within a few months she was thinking a liter a day, she would put her child on the bus then make all of her calls and pushed her husband away and eventually divorced him. I thought the part that she started because she was in pain. Then her thought process lead her to think what is one drink? Then she was back into the drinking and etc.So relapse is not oops I did this without thinking but a process.  I can not think of anything would cause me to go back to using. I know I am very careful about where and what I do. Even though its been 11 years.
  Another guy talked about the different activities that takes his mind back to his using. He said one night he was getting a mirror out to shave with and changing his razor and all of sudden his mind went back to when he was cutting coke to get high. We all have those things that remind us of getting high. One of mine, you know the children's cotton candy that comes in the alumunim packages that you find out the counter well when you first open that the smell reminds me of crack. But regular cotton candy does not make me feel that way. The feeling of walking outside on a really cold cold day and you take a real deep breathe and you body goes numb to me that is what crack used to do. The difference today is I have tools to fight with, I have examine the deeper issues and the fixable one I have and/or know what I need to do to stay clean. I don't go around buying the cotton candy or I do not on purpose take a deep breath outside. It does not have to be drugs What do you do that reminds you of a bad time?

Wednesday I went home from work I had serious pain in my right side. I never really say anything about anything hurting. My legs have hurt since I was 18 because of all the blood clots and the circulation in my legs are horrible. By the time I get home in the evening my left leg is usually about 5/6 inches bigger then my right and very swollen. But my side hurt and it hurt real bad and it was hurting in between my shoulder blades.  So I left the work and since my doctor could not work me in I went to the walk in clinic in Anson. Which i really like. Well we did a chest xray and cat scan for the pain. We found pneumonia in the lungs and small kidney stone. So he put me on medication and told me to follow up with Dr. office. On Friday I went to see Kelly at the doctor office. We found pleurisy.

Pleurisy is caused by inflammation of the linings around the lungs (the pleura), a condition also known as pleuritis. There are two layers of pleura: one covering the lung (termed the visceral pleura) and the other covering the inner wall of the chest (the parietal pleura). These two layers are lubricated by pleural fluid.
Pleurisy can be caused by any of the following conditions:

• Infections: bacterial (including those that cause tuberculosis), fungi, parasites, or viruses
  
• Inhaled chemicals or toxic substances: exposure to some cleaning agents like ammonia
  
• Collagen vascular diseases: lupus, rheumatoid arthritis
  
• Cancers: for example, the spread of lung cancer or breast cancer to the pleura.
• I am off work for at least two weeks. So now what? I have more test to come
  
  

My Testimony

  I know that Christ lives. I know he die for my sins so that I could and would have eternal life. I know that God knows me by name and loves me. I know that I am his child and that Christ is my elder brother. I know my family is forever and is ordained by God. I am grateful for my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am grateful for temples and the fact there is one place that i can go have peace. I know if I work toward my goals that God will help me do the things that I am not able to do. I have seen forgiveness work in my life, I have a firm testimony of if you forgive others then you will feel peace. I know when I pray that he will hear and answer my prayers the way that I need them answered for my life. I will go and do the things that i am asked to do even when I do not understand why I need to do them. I am grateful for my life and my family. Happy Birthday President Uchtdorf!!!

Step 10

Have you ever thought you could be done with something and then return and realized how much you missed it. Last night I went to the recovery group at church. For anyone who does not know what that is, it is a 12 step program for anyone who suffering with an addiction with the church. Last night we had a great group, I promise that the spirit is so strong there that you could reach out and touch it. Bryan and Durell does a great job for the missionary couple.We talked about step 10 which take a daily inventory of yourself and promptly admit when you are wrong. So I believe that the 12 steps can and should be applied to your life whether you have an addiction or not. All this is telling you is not to let things brew inside and when you know you are wrong go say you are sorry or can we fix this. I know I sometimes forget that this important in my recovery, but more then that I forget this is Christ life. I wonder how often just a simple sorry could help a situation become better.

Butterflies

  I work at outpatient drug and alcohol center with christian values. It is ran by two older ladies who love everyone and they have "found" God in their walk. Well Jan Jackson is one of the counselors and she is always talking about her babies and the miracles that have taken place. During 10 months at Amani I have witness some of those miracles. Tonight probably one of my favorite clients graduated. She has had a hard life and she is the same age as Kevin and when she was giving her story I thought of the coin we gave her.One side has butterfly and the other serneity prayer. Over the 4 months she has been there I have privilege to witness a miracle and to have a sure knowledge of this miracle. I felt so honor and prievelege to be part of  it. To witness what God has allowed to plant in this young woman's life.  To me out of all the creatures that Heavenly Father has created the butterfly is the most amazing. It starts off as this ugly brown fuzzy thing that crawls on the ground and ends up being the most colorful amazing thing that gets to fly and see all the earth.

Happy Halloween!!!

  I love Halloween, I love the fun of it. I remember as a child all the fun that we used to have at Aunt Elsie and all the candy. I wonder often if we really did get all the candy I remember us getting.

Yesterday I spend the afternoon at Shephard Community Center which is organization that serves some of the poorest zip codes in Indianapolis area. They are amazing organization. They had about 26 cars that participated in the trunk or treat. They had crafts for the kids and the cars were fun. The kids were grateful I could not believe what great manners the kids had.  These were two of my favorite cars, the first one is some teenage girls who decorated their car like under the sea and the girls were dressed as mermaids. The second car had a fake boy with a gorilla suit on it. The kids either loved it or would not want to go close to it. But it caused many many laughs. What did you do for Halloween and did you have fun? Do you have great memories from your childhood about Halloween? Thanks Aunt Elsie for allowing us to come there.

The Road

  I had this amazing day at work. I work with some of my favorites. But our day started off busy and about the last hour of the 12 hour day it finally came to end. Today I was working with two nurses that has heard my story and we were talking about addiction and if anyone could become addicted. Well in my talking after wards a nurse who over heard us came to me and ask if I would be willing to talk to her sister. She needs someone who could understand addiction and this nurse said she heard motivation and hope in my voice. I reflect on my life and my addiction was bad and many bad things happened during that time and never in a million years did I think I would be a spokes person for overcoming. During that time I remember the day that I gave up on myself and thought that I could do whatever and that i would never make it through this. The day that I quit because I had cross the line in what and was not acceptable for me. The day that I quit.

Looking back over my life now I see if I had not had those experiences I would not be where I am. I would not be strong and I would have a testimony of the atonement and tender mercies of my Heavenly Father. I would not know that he loves me and knows me by name. He knows that I am here and sometimes it is hard
 and sometimes there is great joy in my life. Its the peace that I have worked for and the joy that this journey has made me that I appreciate the most. So I know that God is my rock and with him everything is possible.This road reminds me of my life sometimes it leads me to bunch of rocks but always around the bend there is something so much worth seeing and waiting for.

Starting over!

  Am I serious about this or not! Here it is October 25, and I have not stuck to my plan to use the 12 steps to lose weight. So I am rededicating myself and now I am adding actually attending the meetings again. I will go on Thursday nights and not make excuses. I still can make Grey's Anatomy.  hehehaha!  I am starting on step 1. Do I have the desire is the big question? I know in the book it is promise any amount of desire is better and than none. It also says if you keep doing the desire will grow. Lets see

Sunday

  I am helping with a Halloween party this coming weekend and I attended Carmel Ward sacrament meeting. I went expecting to know alot of people and realized that there is only a handful of people I know. I then went to my ward. I felt that I knew alot of people. I actually looked forward to seeing some of the people. I also realized that i have been so wrapped up in Me that I did not know some of the things going on in our ward.I realize I have alot of chances to make great friends and I love my house and the area where I live.  I have been so busy mad because I did not feel a part of the ward I realized that alot of it is me. I want to belong to eagle creek ward. It was nice to feel like it was home. Home is a interesting word to me. Its one that means safety, love and its ok to be who you are. I think of that often, I am not going to hold back and just learn to love the ward and start doing my stuff like I know I am capable of.
Joyce

Tina

  I am working on one of my Christmas Presents and I had to talk to some family. My little sister, Tina has cancer. Please do not ask me if I think she is going to die? I think everyone will someday die and no I do not want to talk about it. Please do not ask me what I think about cancer? I think it all sucks! Especially for my sister. Do not ask me if I think she will be able to get rid of the cancer? I pray and I believe that God gave the doctors inspiration and knowledge so that they can help with miracles and healing. I know that God's plan is always better then what we think.
  Just think before you ask a question! If it hurts you then it probably will hurt someone else. If it's hard for you to think about. I bet its even harder for the people who love that person the most. If you think it will help, then do it. If you want people to know you are praying for them, tell them. If you want to do something but you don't know how to, ask!!
I have a friend at my work, Susan who happens to be the chaplin there. At least once a week she always ask me about Tina and her family. She always tells she is praying for Tina and Dwight and their children. That is all she says and but I know she cares and she took the time to know my sister's name and her husband's. I love my sister but please do not ask me how will I feel if she dies anymore! Think about it I will feel the same if I am 95 and she is 92! It does not matter now or ever.

love you forever

 My addiction assignment ended this Monday and its now Thursday. I have decided to not go back to fast food. I have enjoyed my extra money that I have not spend at windows. I have not had any fast food for a 5 weeks. In our final paper we are suppose to compare this to addiction. I do know that I found it often easy to ralationize that no one would know. But I just realized on my way home tonite that I have not changed my mindsetting. I thought I wonder what is at home to eat. I am excited to go back to Normal schedule next week.

 When ever the boys leave I am always so sad. I really miss my house being a loud and active. I miss being a mom. I know that in my life I made choices that I did not get to enjoy those days but looking back I know how much I miss. But I guess I have then tendency to always feel sorry for myself after they leave. I do know they are my three best blessings in my life. I know they are what kept me alive when I did not want to live. I know they were my thing and still are the thing that keeps me clean . I love them with everything i have. I would give up anything for their happiness. I thank God every day for them and I pray for them daily. When they were little I would read to them every night I Love you forever.  in the book it goes I'll love you forever I 'll like you  for always as long as I am living my baby you will be.............................

Friday

Its been all week and I don't think I have even considered going to fast food. Since all the excitement of Jason being home we have ate out but places where we can a healthy meal. School is going well I am surprised at how many big papers we have due. I think this assignment has been a good reminder about how addiction works. My cousin took a overdose of meth and more but it reminded me how close it is for every addict. Today Jason and I were talking about how we would die if we had to die today. He said he would spend the whole day doing everything he would want then he would jump out a airplane and that is how he chose to die if he had to today. We both decided bridge jumping and drowning would not be away. Then we both laughed about other people would find this conversation an odd one but then Jason reminded me that is what he gets for a mortuarian for a dad. So this our "norm"

Sunday

  Its evening and all the excitement has died down. Tomorrow will be the start of the fourth week of our assignment of giving up something so that we can better understand addiction. Its been four weeks since i have had fast food. I thought about it alot at first but now I do not think that is what I want for my first choice of food. My body feels better and my stomach does not hurt as bad. In giving this up I have wrote on my facebook page about giving up fast food and its amazing that I get comments of encouragement but also comments that maybe I am doing drugs. Which is humorous!!!!!   I know with surety of what I lost during that time of my life and I have never forgot the pain. I also know to much about the Savior and myself to ever go back to that life. I want to much and know to much. If anything this assignment has strengthen my testimony of what the Savior has done for me. So I am ready to start step 4. Which I will go indepth more next time.

Temple

    My whole life i have heard from people in INdy how much we needed a Temple. So on Oct. 2 ,2010 it as annouced that we are getting a temple. I am 45 years old and finally.

3rd week

Today marks three weeks since we started the school project on understanding addiction. I gave up the fast food, I have been so good at this. It has been tempting and hard at times. I wanted fast food really bad. I have even thought of ways to justify my eating it. The really bad part any type of fast food would have been fine. When i am stressed or in a hurry is when I need it the worst.  I have been working out a couple times a week and it feels good. I can not believe how much money I have saved. So I guess that is much like after giving up an addiction and how you are shocked about the money you spend. 

Do You Know?

Do you know that when  I  say I am struggling it does not mean with the past?

Do you know that when I  come and ask your advise its because I trust you or the fact that Heavenly Father trust you?

Do you know that I would not be asking if I did not feel that I needed your help?

Do you know that I know if it were not for God and the Atonement that I would not be here?

Do you know that I know God lives and he hears and answers my prayers?

Do you know that I know my triggers and what makes me feel stress and when to find the help I need?

Do you know that I know not to dance with the devil?

Do you know that I have firm knowledge if I ever went back to my old life I would die quickly and painfully?

Do you know that I expect alot of myself?

Do you know that I like myself and my lfe?

Do you know that my testimony of the Savior is one of my most important things in my life?

Do you know that I have worked extremely hard for my life, family, health, jobs, school, and my membership in the church?

Do you know that I love my family and I would lay my life down for them?

Do you know that I know that feed my sheep means that is anyone who crosses my path?

Do you know that last night we were told if you judge someone then you really don't love them?

Do you know me?

Trust

  I also am amazed at the 12 steps and know how they work in my life. I decided it was time to move on to step 3. Which is Decide to your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and his son Jesus Christ.
This step is called the decision step because this where we decide to open ourselves to him and actually surrender on entire lives including past, present, and future to his care. So let me reflect on that it where I decide to turn everything over to my Heavenly Father.
 This step meant everything to me when I was dealing with the drug addiction, when I finally turned everything about my life to his care. I became willing to do as my Father directed me to do. That my Heavenly Father worked miracles on me.I knew that I was in his hands. I know I am here regardless of the consequences I have to pay. i often think if I had been addict for longer then 3 years I know I would be dead. But my body pays for it daily. My lungs are hurting a lot today!! The chemicals they use at work agitate the lungs then I set up chemical pneumonia in my lungs. Which in the end means lots of different medication. I know that I am here for a purpose and I am here to help people who is going down the same path. I am grateful for my life and for the knowledge that i know what ever happens that God is in charge. His plan for my life is always better then mine.

Trigger!!

 One of my triggers in life is the unknown. It makes me feel unbalanced and unsafe. So today my counselor for School at University of Indpls put together a plan for me to graduate in May 2012. I can do it but I have two practium left and it makes me nervous. I will be so busy the next 1 1/2 years then I would have my BA in Social Work.  So needless to say I wanted fast food and I even drove into McDonald and drove up and forgot my drivers window is broken and I did not want to park and go in so I drove away.  So I overcame the temptation but I had this great desire for a comforted that was bad for me. I wanted McDonalds. 

ME? Working out

Worked out and enjoyed it. Pushed myself a little. Did my weights, but I walked 1.6 miles in 30 at the speed of 3.  I believe I am most proud  of myself for keeping goal of no fast food Since Sept. 6. I feel like I am earning my tokens as a recovering addict you receive tokens for each 30 days you are sober/clean at AA/NA. Up to 90 days then its by years.

I'm almost......................

   Today is my niece's birthday and she turned four today. She is Tina number 5 child and she acts alot like my sister. I was talking with her and she told me she was almost 5. Tina then went on to call it her almost 5 birthday. I started to think about I am almost..............What am I almost?  So I decided
That I am almost enjoying my workouts
That I have joy in my life that I am almost daily with that goal
That I am almost done with school with my BA in social work.
That I am almost a wife................giggle!
That I am almost a really good daughter, mother, member of the church, worker..........
The fact Deborah is almost 5 is ok because in her world at 5 she can chew gum. How many of us including me has forgot the joy of chewing gum?

This is one of my favorite pictures of Deborah. It makes wonder what she almost was that day...............

good, better, and best

 We had ward conference today and the theme was good, better and best. I have often thought about this subject when choosing over one good thing vs. another good thing. I loved his examples of good, better and best by Elder Oaks.
It is good to belong to our Father in Heaven’s true Church and to keep all of His commandments and fulfill all of our duties. But if this is to qualify as “best,” it should be done with love and without arrogance. We should, as we sing in a great hymn, “crown [our] good with brotherhood,”9 showing love and concern for all whom our lives affect. 
In my past I have done many right or righteous things for the wrong reasons but the more I do them the more it becomes a righteous reason. So I think of these of the good. 
The more it becomes and my heart takes a change, it becomes better and finally when I am doing whatever the assignment with a pure love for the person then that is the best. Not only do I feel it in my heart but I often think that I can feel my heart growing and I know that I feel that my heart is turning to God and trying to do more of the "best" things.  
Sometimes i get so busy in what i suppose to do and school, work, homework, amani (work), church callings, visiting teaching, church, reading the scriptures, being Christ like, eating healthy, exercises, etc..... that I lose the fact that I am suppose to be doing it joyfully. That I have to admit that my life is crazy (unmanageable) and I need the spirit with me to accomplish all that I need to do. That what I have planned may not be what Heavenly Father has planned for me. More often then not my life is not what I have planned but more what he has planned.  

10-10-10

 I surrender my date of 10-10-10. I am not sure what is wrong with me except in order for me to keep that goal I need to date. Which means what??

Internet dating-Have you looked at some of the men of these sites
Where to meet men?  church? there are no available men
school? ( only if I was 21 that might be the chance) Work? They are either married or gay
Especially when you are 45 and not willing to give up your dreams for husband

Day of Truth!!

 This week has been a little harder with the fast food but I made it without fast food. But that little devil on the shoulder has been tempting me all week. We all have those if mine only could be like the cartoon and you could flick him off. Just the thought makes me giggle!!!

Along with this goal for class of no fast food well I decided to really get serious and loss some weight. I Have been working out at the YMCA with weights and cardo. Well today I have a great work out. I walked at the speed of 3.0 and inclination of 2.0 for the distance of 1.33 miles in 30 minutes. That sounds like a lot but two weeks ago it took me 45 minutes with no inclination for a mile. So I have made progress and no I am not trying to kill myself. I am trying my best to learn to look forward to working out. So this week I have added watching my points or calories. Did I write that I am down to one 12 oz can of diet MD which in itself is a accomplishment since I was drinking a gallon of regular MD a day. Each day in my prayers I ask Heavenly Father to help me not like the taste of any soda, so slowly with my desire it is working.
Weight: 221  Waist 45 which the weight is up a pound but I am feeling so much better. But my waist is down 3 inches from last week

Day of Truth!!

 This week has been a little harder with the fast food but I made it without fast food. But that little devil on the shoulder has been tempting me all week. We all have those if mine only could be like the cartoon and you could flick him off.

HOPE and TEMPTATION

In step 2 the principle is Hope. I think the word hope is the most amazing word in all the words. In the dictionary the following are definations fo the word:

1.the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

verb (used with object)

6.to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7.to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory.

So today I sitting thinking about my life and sometimes it seems like why does everything have to be so hard. I try to do the right things and treat people in my life. I am going to school so that I am able to have a better life and help change my little corner of the world. Today I learned that senior practium is 330 hours which boils down to 20 hours a week at the site. Which means 40 hours at school and 20 hours on the site and

homework, church, home, family, and  whatever else..................................How am I going to do it all. So I am sitting here being very discouraged and then I think about step 2 which is Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health. 

i know that this step works and that God is in charge. This is where the principle of hope comes into play. I know that miracles happen and I trust that he will not only improve my spiritual health but I also know that includes my temporal health. 

Check in: today was a VERY tempting day I wanted Fast Food . I wanted the bread and sloppy melted cheese and the hamburger and the salt and the french fries. Well, everyone knows that for a small fry you have to use 2 packages of salt!!! It did not matter to which one but I wanted the food. But I overcame and went straight home and settled for a lean pizza pocket. The temptation was strong and I even heard myself say "NO ONE WILL KNOW"  . Note to self: tell the final story of Eric. 

Just Thursday!!

 I do believe this has been the longest week in history. I do not know why really. I am excited I only have one class today and I am going to lunch with a friend from my old ward. Then I have lots of homework. Kevin(my friend) came over last night and fixed my computer. Something I know and am very grateful I have wonderful friends. This morning I was thinking about a conversation I had at work and we were talking about the fact that I am involved in alot of things and how I treat the guest at the hospital. I really never noticed how I treat them except I do try to treat like I would want my parents treated. I told her about the church and the fact that we are taught to love our neighbors. This morning I was reading in the Liahona 2002 Pres. Eyring's talk True Friends. It is excellent. The following is a quote in the talk and its talking about how we must treat people:
"we must love them. That is what the Savior does. We can do it with Him and for Him. He showed us the way in His mortal ministry. He taught by precept and example that we are to love His disciples.
“This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

“Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.

“Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.”

I have firm knowledge that one day when I die at the judgment seat in front of God his first question to me will be "Did you love your neighbor and did you take care of my sheep?"  Other wise did I walk the walk and talk and the talk. I pray for this knowledge everyday and know that I learn something from everyone I meet along my path.

Liver!!

 This morning I had a doctor's appointment to check several things: First my knee has been hurting for two weeks and it hurts to walk it hurts to sit with it so pretty much it hurts all the time. We did an xray of the knee and now we are waiting.  Second my side is hurting more and more each day which usually means my liver is enlarged again. We did blood work to see how the enzymes are doing.  Finally the third thing my ears were hurting which is always the first sign of a lung infection. We ended up putting me back on steroids and antibodies for the infection and the wheezing.  Which the last two is consequences of my choice to use drugs 11 years ago. After I left the doctor, I was thinking about the scriptures and where in Mosiah 3:19 where it talks about what the Lord has seen fit to afflict upon you. I know me and I know that Heavenly Father knows me and knows that if I did not have 2x4 hitting me up the side of the head I would not get it or remember it. So I know that if I did not have to pay deep and serious consequences of my choices then I would forget how painful it was. Which the first is caused by my weight so it is another sign that its so important I lose to win.
Dr. Oz took a cross-section of a healthy liver (left) and an unhealthy liver (middle) to better demonstrate the differences.

The healthy liver is soft, smooth and supple. The unhealthy liver contains little nodules, The liver serves to process all the materials you bring into your body, which it can't do if it's diseased.

Step 2

Step 2 is Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.

This weekend was easier then I thought. I did not go to any fast food restaurants and i am very proud of myself for that. But Saturday when I was driving I thought how sad it was that I could drive down the road and tell you what I liked at every fast food window. It was amazing at the thought of how I  could spend that energy and the money that I had spend. It made me feel like so many years ago when I added the cost of my addiction to crack and it was overwhelming and sad and many more words that I could not write.
 In the recovery book it states that as I will see the tender mercies of the Lord in your life as you learn to watch for them and as you come to believe that the power of God can indeed help you recover.
I believe that this statement applies to every person and their addictions (habits). I know that this step is important and has been a huge step in my recovery. The fact that God send his son who loved me enough to suffer for all my sins and trangressions (including overeating) and to die for me. To think my older brother loved me enough to die for me so that I might have eternal life is amazing. That My desires, cravings, and sins were important enough to him that he was willing to help me. I know that these 12 steps can lead to a happy, joyful, peaceful life.

Really??? Honesty

Its been 5 days since I started my addiction class project and I have found it hard. I have thought about fast food as I drive by the restaurants and I have thought how easy it would be. So I want to tell you that is how addiction feels, when I was getting clean from crack that is all I thought about how nice it would be to forget. Like the food how nice it would be get a quick high if that is what you want to call it. My body is even yelling for the grease and junk of the food. It feels like its saying I am used to the junk what is going on? This week my stomach has felt better then it has in a long time.

Fast Food Restaurant	Type	Serving Size (g)	Calories	Total Fat (g)	Saturated Fat (g)	Trans Fat (g)	Carbs (g)	Sodium (mg)
McDonald's	Regular	100	250	9	3.5	0.5	31	520
Burger King	Regular	121	290	12	4.5	0	30	560
Wendy's	Jr. Hamburger	Unknown	230	8	3	0	26	500

These are my favorite three quick places to go. These are the calories count for a simple hamburger or better known as a junior.

So now here goes the hard honest part. I want to lose weight so this addiction project just made it easy to start on my goal. I started working out at YMCA. So there I really got scared. I weight myself and measure my waist. so this is the hard part if I am going to apply the twelve steps to this process I have to make myself accountable for my actions which include the honest truth. So I will keep track of my weight and waist measurements. Which I will put on here every saturday. It took me 25.30 minutes to walk a mile with 2 inclination. Sometimes which is step 1 honesty is the hardest part of all of this.    Weight: 220 waist 48 inches

family stuff

Today I just needed a good laugh. I was reading my sister's blog and I think I haven't laughed so hard for along time. Tina is amazing person and she is my best friend. I can not imagine my life without her nor do I ever want to try. Tina is three years younger then me and I am the big sister. But alot of times during my life I have felt that she has it so much more together then I do. When I was out there to visit her back in March it amazed me how many people love her and how she has touched so many people lives by living a Christ like life. She lives what she believes and she teaches her children that to. Today I have thought about her alot and wanted to share what a great sister I have. I do wish everyone had one like her. WE are very different but we both have been taught by goodly parents who love our Heavenly Father and for that I am grateful.

Desire

  This morning as I was reading I am in 2 Nephi. This scripture like many others I have read many times

 2 Nephi 4: 18-21 I am emcompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins, nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. 

My God hath been my support, he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness, and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. 

He Hath fill me with his love, even unto the comsuming of my flesh. 

When I was reading this I thought more of the temptations of the world, Since I am working on my weight issues. Its true that we have been encouraged to be eat properly and not to over eat. So the temptations (quick easy food, ex: fast food with lots of calories) do easily tempt me. When I do not stop or overeat I feel better or joyful, and when I don't my heart hurts ( heart disease is the number one killer in USA, one way to prevent it by not being overweight). But through it all and the reason why I am doing this because I know that I trust my Heavenly Father with my whole being. And only he guided me through my own wilderness (journey) and he preserved (saved) my life for a purpose. I know that he loves me and I know that I love Heavenly Father. 

 In the LDS recovery book it states and I have firm testimony of the power of living the 12 steps and applying them to my life. 

" Even though people's addictions are different, some truths, like this one never vary-nothing begins without an individual's will to make it begin." Then later in the book it states the only requirement to begin is the desire to stop. If your desire is small and inconsistent today: don't worry. It will grow! 

But arent these statement true with everything good and bad for us. When we desire for a change that is when it will begin.   My desires are to lose weight!! Yesterday was a good day as far as the food. Today I start exercising between classes. 

 

Unmanageable or Honesty

   After thinking about what does it really mean to admit your life is unmanageable. That could and does apply to so many aspects of life. So often I find that i have submit everything I do and want to my Heavenly Father. I am often reminded that his plan for my life is alot different then what I tend to believe is best for my life. So I don't know if the question is about admitting or if is should how honest are we willing to be with ourselves. Sometimes its that honesty that I am most afraid of. If I am honest with myself and I mean truly honest with myself then I know what I have to do. Some of the answers come from the desires we had before. I am so grateful for the knowledge that Heavenly Father loves me personally and knows of these desires so deeply and all he is waiting for is me to acknowledge his presents.

slipped or not????

  Today has been a really day. The one thing I have found out is that I need to pack my lunch even if I think I am going to come home to study. The one thing i was taught when I was getting clean from drugs was to be prepared for a craving or temptation. Today I did not go through the drive thru but I did go in Kentucky fried chicken and ordered my lunch.I did not prepare for an emergency or a change in plans like I know to do. In all things we should learn wisdom from.........................................
 Tomorrow should be a interesting day from this experience.
Today I have my religion class and its the old testiment. The teacher spend time in Israel and has lots of photographs. But we talked about Abraham leaving his home of Ur and exactly where that is. So I really enjoy the class!!!
The remains of Ur are called today "Tell el-Mukayyar" and can be found near the city of Nasiriyah, south of Baghdad in modern day Iraq.  A Tell is city ruin. In class we learned that under the top city there are many layers of ruins. I thought it was interesting.

First step

  In the morning I have began to read the recovery manual and the scriptures that go along with it. For the first step it we often fail to admit that we have lost the ability to resist. So I am applying this to food, I often use food like I did dope. When I am happy to celebrate, when I am sad to feel the saddeness, when I am depressed to feel the loneliness, when I am bored to fill the boredom, so just like the crack I feel the holes often with food. I know with the drug it was different because I was trying to hide from facing all these feelings and along with these feelings. With the crack it was a hole in my soul and  I was trying to hide from God. I know and have strong testimony of the Savior and his love for me. The fact I know that the atonement is for me and I have been forgiven of the sins of along time ago is what brings me true joy. The peaceful feeling of knowing when I sleep that I can do it with peace is important.
 I am working on submitting my will on this matter of the food. I want to lose but how bad?
In my scripture readings this morning I went back to Mosiah 3:19

  The traits we should process is listed: submissive, meek, humble, patient (this one I need to work on) full of love, willing to submit all things which the Lord has seen fit to inflict upon you.
   The list is amazing to me, in the bible where it talks about how we should become like a child well these are the traits that a child has. The last sentence willing to submit all to the Lord even our troubles or the things that bother our temporal bodies. So to submit all things! That is what I am working on.

Check in!!

Today often I thought how easy it would be to stop and grap something at a window. Instead I went grocery shopping and brought really easy things to cook. Lets see if it works. I know I need to keep snacks in my car so that I wont be tempted as bad.

The First day and reasons why?

 So this is the day we are suppose to start the assignment for my Understanding Addictions. So I am hoping today goes well.
 The first step is:  Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
The first step of AA:  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (weight)-that our lives had become unmanageable.

This step is about honesty and how honest can we come with ourselves. I know this step is one of the hardest ones. Yes, I want to lose weight but has my life became unmanageable. To some degree I can not walk up stairs, I can not chase after a young child, and when I take a shower I have to lift a stomach flab to make sure that is clean. I guess to some degree it is unmanageable.I know there is alot more unmanageable about me being this overweight so as I think of them I will write about them.  Am I willing to work hard at losing weight. I know I often have to work hard at everything I want in life. Am I willing to look at the way I eat and exercise to lose weight and inches. For this I am not sure. This morning as I was reading I believe this scripture helped realize a few things

2 Nephi 1:13 “Oh that ye would awake; awake from a deep sleep, yea, even from the sleep of hell, and shake off the awful chains by which ye are bound, which are the chains which bind the children of men, that they are carried away captive down to the eternal gulf of misery and woe.”


I am considering the chain my weight, I am bound by it and it is not the healthy and I am capture by it in how I want to live my life. As I know you have as individual have to move the steps at your own pace and I know I am really going to pray about how my weight has helped my life become unmanageable.
There are a very things I know which are the whys I want to lose weight:
1. My health even though I have been clean for 11 years I know the extra weight does not help my lungs and liver both are damaged from the previous drug use.
2. I want to buy some regular clothes.
3. When I am done with school and I am working how can ask people to be healthy in every way if I am not.  Which in my opinion means body, mind, and soul.
4.  I do not want extra large casket when I die
5. I almost don't fit into the movie seats and airplane seats.
6. I have the deep desire to exercise and work at this.
7. Someday I will have grandchildren and I do not want to be the FAT grandma!!!