I love my sister

Dear Tina,

I want you to know that I so enjoy our talks together. I have thought about your friend and the staff so much today. My heart hurts for Alfonzo, I am sure that you have seen little signs of his falling off the wagon before your cruise.  When you think of the term “falling off the wagon” is so weird/funny when you think of drinking and using.  When you stop drinking alcohol or using you are said to be ON the wagon. Then if you fall OFF the wagon it is taken to mean that you have started to drink alcohol again having one stopped. The WAGON in the expression relates to the water wagon, which was a horse-drawn water car once used to spray dirt roads to keep the down the dust. ( so if you were on the wagon you must be drinking water). Just thought I would share the why the meaning took place but I see it more spiritual. I think as the wagon as the gospel.  So at first you get to the wagon by taking the stairs and working for each step until you are firmly in the wagon. The same as falling off, it takes some bumps, at first there is small bumps that jiggle you and finally it’s the big bumps that totally make you fall off and you hit the dirt on the road. The dirt to me is all the “dirty world or Satan”.

                Tina thank you for all your inspiration and help with the job hunting,   I appreciate your help and your suggestions.  With all the free time I have in Indiana waiting I have a lot of time to think and I want to share some of my thoughts with you.  I think you are this amazing mom and when you talk about your children I see your heart smile.  I hear it in your voice. I am so proud of the mother you are, and enjoy them.

           2^nd Tina, I know you share with me that issues with Jacobs has cause some of the old feelings to surface I am proud of you for seeking help before it becomes something that is too hard to face. Tina, I love you and am here if you need me.  I often find when I struggle I love Alma 36:3 I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day. I know you know this.

                Tina, I want to share with you my firm testimony. I love the Savior and I know he knows me and you by name. I know that our Savior chose to die. I often think of our Father in Heaven and how hard it had to be to watch our elder brother die for us. At any moment our Savior could have said he had enough but he never did.  On the same hand I know that when things are tough I know that if I turn it over to my Father than it might not change a situation but he will change my heart. I know I am here to be tested so that when I return to heaven I will be met with “Well done”.  Tina, each day as I reading the scriptures or the ensign I am being taught I am grateful for the scriptures and that they were wrote for me today. I am grateful for the knowledge of the atonement, I know it works on the big things but I also have firm knowledge that it works on the small things also.  I know the Atonement empowers me and strengthens me.

  I know that Jesus Christ is our brother and he loves us and wants what is best for us. I also know that Lucifer at one time was our brother and he knows us also. With every weakness that Satan believes he can beat me with. I know with my weaknesses I have choices: one I can let Satan win and believe him or I can like we were promised in Ether 12:27.  With the Savior I know my weaknesses will continue to strengthen me.

I know that like every relationship we have to continue to work on our relationship with the Savior and our Father.  I am grateful for everything they have given me and allowed me to have twice in my life. I understand I have a lot of blessings for the second time that I do not deserve. Like my sons and their families, my parents, and the gospel.  I love you Tina. I am proud to be your sister. My life is better because of you. Thank you.

Past and the past that will never go away

I understand that everyone makes mistakes, and I even understand that we all have to take responsibilities for our mistakes. The big ones and the small ones. But so often I think about mine and how much I have learned going through everything  I have. I often wonder if I would be in this spot in my life. There are many times when you get tired of fighting for things. I have been blessed beyond anything i could imagine. On the same line I often wonder about what where I would be if I did not have all these obstacle in my life. I wonder if I often learn lessons right away. I know that I don't

I am tired

maybe I meant to not be a social worker and I am so down. Its not fair and my life will go on. I am quitting looking for social work positions. I am officially done. I will never get the jobs I want because I am always having to live my past down. I am shot down and right now it hurts like hell. How am I suppose to make it?

Lieutenant Bill and gratitude

I am in Lexington with no car and Kevin is back in Indianapolis starting school. My car broke down and I am at home packing. I strongly believe that being outside makes my spirit sing. I went for a walk. Our super cute apartment is right in the middle of every store you ever dreamed of. I am walking and there is a man in wheelchair holding a sign that says" Please help, I am a disabled vet", I usually do not donate to people themselves.
In all my social work classes  we talked about how the
Arm Forces does not take care of their Vets. This man was amazing, his name Bill. He was a Lieutenant in the army he served 28 years in the Army. He lives in a motel and he has been back for 8 years and he lost both of his legs. We talked for over 30 minutes and I walked away feeling blessed that I met this man who gave up his legs and his health. So I asked him if I could ask him some questions so I did and I learn so much. He has health insurance for life, but he just got approved for disability and next month he will get his first retirement check after being home for eight years. But he told me he had to fight for that. Then I asked him about the mental health and he said that finding somewhere that understands or its easy to get into is hard. He looked at me in the eyes and said "I still have dreams, I lost lots of my men. I watched them be blown up and then the next day we were doing the same things. I saw things that no man deserves to see.  I STILL HAVE BAD DREAMS!"  I had tears in my eyes. Then he said the most amazing thing to me I would do all over again!! I walked away a better person, and so much gratitude for him and what he did for me and you. I  hugged him and he shook my hand and thanked me for making his day.
I am grateful for Lieutenant Bill and his willingness to talk with me.

life threating

 Once again I am in the middle of starting school again and I am getting excited. I need to do this statistic class and in one week we are moving back to the Indy area. I am even moving to Eagle Creek ward and I am excited to go back to everyone. I am  hoping to heard from Midtown really soon. I have had three interviews and I have loved it so far. But its hard not to get your hopes up. I should be hearing from the attorney soon.
I miss Kevin to have someone to hang out with. The house is crazy quiet. I want to someone to talk too......lol