So SAD!!! BUT Happy

    Today I spend the day with Kevin. He moved from Ft. Wayne to Muncie with his girlfriend. They moved to cute house. They are definitely a cute couple. They work well with each other. I realized today that he is a grown man. No matter what you think you want all you want is for your children to grow up and be successful. My sons all them are successful.

Bro. "Dad" Massela

i went to a funeral for a great man today. I loved this man and I know he loved me and my family. Brother Massela, I have known him since I was about 13 years old. He and Louise (Sis. Massela) and their 8 children moved to our ward. Bro Massela was a tall and big man. As I got older I realized that he wasn't necessary build big but his spirit was big. The Massela's were my first and only babysitter for Jason. Oh, how Sis Massela loved Jason. Matter of fact Jason took his first steps at their house. Every time Bro. Massela saw me he would say "Mom how are you, then how is our Jason" So needless to say I called him "Dad" because he always referred to me as "Mom"
Brother Massela's obituary
Ambroise Tshibuka Massela Born September 27, 1936 in Mbuji Mayi, Democratic Republic of the Congo to Tshiala Joseph and Mujinga Celine, Ambroise came to the United States in 1963 with his wife and infant twin daughters. While raising and growing their family, Ambroise earned a Bachelor's Degree in Mathematics and a Master's Degree in Computer Science from Indiana University in Bloomington, IN. Ambroise retired from the Indiana State Board of Health - Indianapolis, Indiana as a Senior Computer Systems Analyst in 2007. He was also a founding member of Leja Bulela, a not-for-profit organization dedicated to enhancing the quality of life for those in his native Congo. Ambroise is survived by his wife of 49 years, Louise Massela, and their children: Mujinga Rose, Ntumba MaryAnn (Tellas), Tshiala Joseph, Mbayi Pierre, Kankolongu Susan, Kalenga Tshombe, and Bindila Ana, son-in-law Andrew Tellas, and daughter-in law Jacqueline Jai Massela. Ambroise and Louise have 4 grandchildren, Xavier, Tendela, Kaleu, and Solomon. Ambroise was preceded in death by his daughter, Mala Agnes and his son, Kasonga. Viewing will be held Thursday January 27, 2011, from 4 to 8 p.m. in Flanner and Buchanan Funeral Center-Washington Park North, 2706 Kessler Blvd West Drive, Indianapolis, IN. Funeral service will be held with viewing from 9:30 to 10:30 a.m., Friday January 28, 2011 with service beginning at 11am at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 10710 Shelbourne Rd, Carmel, IN 46032. Burial will be held at Washington Park Cemetery North, 2702 Kessler Boulevard West Drive, Indianapolis, IN 46228 immediately following the funeral service. Relatives and friends are welcome to attend viewing, service and burial.      

The funeral was beautiful Each of the children got up and talked about their Father. What an honor. If my children say half of the things they said about Bro. Massela I will be truly blessed. What a great reunion going on in heaven right now. Aggie has been waiting along time for this!!

Amani

   Amani is the drug and alcohol center where I was an intern for spring 2010 and then come summer they hired me and I worked there 1 day a week. This job was my sanity. I love it. I love the clients and the work we do. I have learned so much from them. Wednesday last week they had to let me go. I felt saddenness, I really loved the job and it helped so much. It was a huge part me of me deciding to go part time at the hospital. I could make the extra day up at the center so now I do not have that income. I know when I prayed I felt good about the decision. So with everything there is a blessing. So I know with every time I have listened to my Father in Heaven it is always the best for me. So even with this I know that. But I am sad. I have decided to stay on and help with groups as volunteer work.

I saw God today

Am I able to see the God's hand in everything? Or is it something I just read about? 

 i was listening to country music and George Strait has this song called "I saw God today" the chorus goes like this:

I've been to church
I've read the book
I know He's here, but I don't look
near as often as I should
Yeah, I know I should
His fingerprints are everywhere
I'd just slow down to stop and stare
opened my eyes and man I swear
I saw God today

 I have been thinking about this subject lately. Would i recognize God if I ran into him. I think of the story of man who the Lord came to him in a dream and told he would visit with him the next day. The man dressed in his best and cleaned his home to prepare for the Lord. Then the man waited by the door and a knock came and their stood a man dressed in rags and the older man invited him in the house and gave him something to warm with. Then the man left. Later in the day a woman came by and she was thirsty and he gave her a drink and she went on her way. The man then realized it was late in the day and he never gave up hope and then at night fall another knock and the man knew that it would be Lord and it was instead a very tired hungry man the older man invited him in and fed him and tucked him and allowed him to rest. That night the man got on his knees and said "lord, you said you would come and visit but you did not" the Lord answered "yes, three times I came and you fed me, you have me a drink, and you allowed me to rest. Yes, my child I did come. Well done my beloved servant"
 I know I want to be told "Well Done my faithful Servant"

Never Ever

   About four years ago when I wanted to become a better person and closer to my Heavenly Father. I made the decision to become active back at my church and work on becoming more Christ like in my actions. I went with the sister missionaries to teach people that wanted to learn about the gospel. I went to a home and told them my story about my drugs and how I became clean. Never really have given much thought to the effect that my story has on people but this sister told me it made all the difference. They (husband and herself) said if I could change and Heavenly Father could soften my heart then anything was possible.
17 second miracle:  I met this sister at the store house where I thought that I was to tired to go. But we kept looking at each other like we knew each other but really did not. This sister had the courage to talk to me. Her eyes is what caught my attention they shone. They were bright blue and she was truly happy!! Her spirit made my spirit lighter. She was my 17 second miracle.

thoughts

  I have couple of thoughts today. I have a visit with a friend today. I felt a little sadden her father passed away on July 5 and they were at St Vincent and she did not even call. I felt for her and can not even imagine what it felt like. She lost a friend this year also. She was sadden by it. Which made me sad and I hurt for the both of them since I consider them both great blessings in my personal life.

2nd thought: Did I mention I made Dean's list last semester. I started at University of Indianapolis and I have loved it. I start school tomorrow and i feel nervous.

3rd thought: I think of all my struggles I think the worst one is watching a child struggle. I am watching Aaron find his own place in the world. I have to sit and watch him make some really hard decisions for himself and pray that he makes the right one for himself.

 4th thought: I love my family. I wish I was able to show them more often.

Tonsils and ENT

  I have chronic cough and have been sick alot lately. The doctor and I have tried everything. I have been to pulmonarist and its not asthma. So we have tried all different inhaler and pain medication. Lately there has been alot of research on ears, nose and tonsils and chronic coughs Since November I have had three ear infections and pneumonia and have been on so much medication that its not funny. I have been medication out of my ears, it helps but I have built a immunity to it. I don't understand pills I hate how they make me feel. So Thursday I see a ENT. Will keep you undated. 

Wednesday

  Its just Wednesday, and I am officially off work until 2/1/11. Its two and half weeks away. I wish that the doctors could find what is causing my cough and pneumonia and why since this is the third time since November. I miss the great people I work with.
   Last night I probably had one of my favorite conversations with my middle son, Aaron I have ever had. I see this amazing man who is learning so much about himself. I see a man who has recently decided he has a great goal and he is willing to work on it. Some of the conversation made me sad that he is beating himself up so much. I wonder how many of us has done what we were talking about and not get caught. I know from past experience no one ever has to say anything about the situation because I said enough bad about myself that no one else has to.

 Aaron studying last semester

 My favorite photo of Aaron

 Aaron is about a year and his big brother, Jason. The one thing I love about my sons are they are each others best friends. I swear if they had to choose who they could spend a day with it would be each other. They would have fun in a swamp together.

 This is Aaron after he had surgery. He has been sick alot this past year. He lost about 50 lbs. and he is finally on the road to better health

Aaron is this amazing person!!

MEN

Men usually speak about 10-20,000 words a day while women speak 30-50,000 words per day with gusts up to 125,000 per day.  This is why men don't feel like talking after work because they have used their quota.

I have a friend that I date, Kevin . We have this great system because men have this great sense to fix things. Women sometimes just need to vent. So Kevin often ask me "am I fixing this" at first I was what ever. Then I would go on to get frustrated with him because he was doing what men do best "fixing". So now when I call and I need to talk the first thing out of my mouth is "I am venting or you are fixing". It has cut down on us wondering what our roles are.
I have decided to fix me and find out what exactly I want in a relationship and so that I am able to be happy with myself. Along with having a relationship, I want to get out of debt so when I am done with school I will be able to really work and have no debt. Needless to say I am reading Dave Ramsey. Which is all about debt and getting out of debt. In the middle of the book I found this: (relationship stuff)

1. Men love to share facts, women love to express feelings

2. Men connect by doing things, women connect by talking

3. Men ten to compete, women tend to cooperate

4. Men tend to be controlling, women tend to remain agreeable

5. Men tend to be independent, Women tend to interdependent.

I know if I remembered this I would often be better off. I am reading The Dance with Intimacy. It about how women can change a relationship by looking at themselves. But I just started the book. S

Girly Girly

  Sometimes in life I wished that I was more girly. I am very girly as far as the colors I like to wear and the colors of my house. My favorite color is pink and has always been. I love wearing pink it makes me feel good. I am not prissy and I don't walk in heels at all. I have never been able to wear the big heels I would fall on my face.  I love having pink in my house. My bedroom is pink and purple and it makes me feel wonderful. I wish that I knew how to wear make up better. I have always been blue jeans and t-shirts and tennis shoes.
  So this year I am trying to be more girly. One for my internship I have to dress up so I am trying to feel more comfortable. I have recently thought about my weight as far as what am I hiding behind. So now I am thinking why is that I am happy to be a woman but why don't feel comfortable being "girly". So I am going to work on dressing up more and keeping my hair done.  Then I want to learn to wear make-up. Yes I realize that I am 46 and have not wore make up in years. So thank goodness for google (LOL). I have always said that God knew what he was doing to give me all boys. I have no clue how to teach the girl stuff like make up etc....

 I just got a cute hair cut I never show pictures of myself.  I normally don't keep my hair the natural color but I guess I had forgotten that my hair was so dark. I have decided not to dye my hair and keep it dark.

Hiding

 Jason went home today to New York. Yes I said home, that is where he considers home. Kevin went home to Fort Wayne the same for him. I doubt he will ever be back to indy area.
 Yesterday Kevin (my friend) told me he did not want to think about moving out of state.


I have learned a lot about who I am over the last 10 years by the path I have taken in life. I learned that the drugs from my past was to hide from my past.
  When I was about 16 I started having seizures, grand-mals, Then I learned and took care of the bad memories from my childhood, I stopped having seizures. I have not had a seizures in over 6 years and I haven't been on medication for 5.5 years.  Before sixteen I woke up many times with my tongue bitten up and sore muscles so my mom and I often wonder how many I had before my parents actually witness one.
With quite bit of counseling I learned what the underlying problem was and I found the desire to lead a different life is the result of being a whole person. But today at work I thought about my weight I wonder what it is I am hiding from by being overweight. I wonder for a lot of different reasons......I wonder if extra weight lately is because I have been down lately. Could it be?
What am I afraid of? What am I hiding from in my weight? What am I willing to do to lose the weight?
As far as knowing how to lose the weight I know how? So am I going to keep my membership at the Y or what is the deal?

i know I never learn anything with 2x4 being hit up side my head, so I am sure this will be one of them. :)

Ever thought about?

  I have thought about the new goals for the year. I want to make the right ones so I am not necessarily making them quickly. I want to make the right ones.

1. I have made the first one a while ago. It was to make A's next semester.
2.Second one is to lose weight. I have gained a lot of weight lately. I am embarrassed by it. So starting Jan 10 it all starts. I know I like being accountable to someone or something, it works for me but some people don't have to be accountable.
3. To exercise everyday. I am getting the Yoga that Tina told me to get. So lets see!
More to come

Sunday

 I went to my Crossroads ward today. I always feel so loved when I go and visit by everyone. I think Brother Scott is this wonderful person and he always makes me feel so good. (17 second miracle)  I really love the first Sundays of the month. In our church, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we have the opportunity to share our testimony of the Savior and his love for us. During our family meeting we do this. I am grateful to listen to everyone and their love for the Savior. It makes me grow stronger and stronger.
I know that Savior knows me by name and he loves me. I know that when I pray to God he listens and answers my prayers the way he knows that they should be answered. I am grateful for the gospel and the teachings. I am a better person because I have chose to live the gospel. I know my family is forever and I want to live with them for all eternity.

January 1, 2011

I think today's date is really nice. 1-1-11. With it being all one's it could mean its time to start over at a new place. I know last year I almost let resentments build and stay with me. Then about end of November I realized what i was doing. Resentments for a person in recovery can be a really bad thing because it leads to the old way of thinking. According to the 12 steps it reminds me that resentment is the number one offender.
 So in order for this to be then that means I have dig up the very things that led me down the road to the addiction. So I was on my way to thinking that no liked me or I wasn't really doing anything good in this life.  So I have prayed and studied on this and I have decided for every time I want to "re-feel" or resent I will look at all the things I have done or that someone has done for me. So that leads me to my new year resolution of
17 second Miracle:    I am keeping a journal for myself. Today's was when I went to my pod and saw Alicia which is this really cute nurse and she simply said "I am happy to see you I always enjoy working with you".