3rd week

Today marks three weeks since we started the school project on understanding addiction. I gave up the fast food, I have been so good at this. It has been tempting and hard at times. I wanted fast food really bad. I have even thought of ways to justify my eating it. The really bad part any type of fast food would have been fine. When i am stressed or in a hurry is when I need it the worst.  I have been working out a couple times a week and it feels good. I can not believe how much money I have saved. So I guess that is much like after giving up an addiction and how you are shocked about the money you spend. 

Do You Know?

Do you know that when  I  say I am struggling it does not mean with the past?

Do you know that when I  come and ask your advise its because I trust you or the fact that Heavenly Father trust you?

Do you know that I would not be asking if I did not feel that I needed your help?

Do you know that I know if it were not for God and the Atonement that I would not be here?

Do you know that I know God lives and he hears and answers my prayers?

Do you know that I know my triggers and what makes me feel stress and when to find the help I need?

Do you know that I know not to dance with the devil?

Do you know that I have firm knowledge if I ever went back to my old life I would die quickly and painfully?

Do you know that I expect alot of myself?

Do you know that I like myself and my lfe?

Do you know that my testimony of the Savior is one of my most important things in my life?

Do you know that I have worked extremely hard for my life, family, health, jobs, school, and my membership in the church?

Do you know that I love my family and I would lay my life down for them?

Do you know that I know that feed my sheep means that is anyone who crosses my path?

Do you know that last night we were told if you judge someone then you really don't love them?

Do you know me?

Trust

  I also am amazed at the 12 steps and know how they work in my life. I decided it was time to move on to step 3. Which is Decide to your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and his son Jesus Christ.
This step is called the decision step because this where we decide to open ourselves to him and actually surrender on entire lives including past, present, and future to his care. So let me reflect on that it where I decide to turn everything over to my Heavenly Father.
 This step meant everything to me when I was dealing with the drug addiction, when I finally turned everything about my life to his care. I became willing to do as my Father directed me to do. That my Heavenly Father worked miracles on me.I knew that I was in his hands. I know I am here regardless of the consequences I have to pay. i often think if I had been addict for longer then 3 years I know I would be dead. But my body pays for it daily. My lungs are hurting a lot today!! The chemicals they use at work agitate the lungs then I set up chemical pneumonia in my lungs. Which in the end means lots of different medication. I know that I am here for a purpose and I am here to help people who is going down the same path. I am grateful for my life and for the knowledge that i know what ever happens that God is in charge. His plan for my life is always better then mine.

Trigger!!

 One of my triggers in life is the unknown. It makes me feel unbalanced and unsafe. So today my counselor for School at University of Indpls put together a plan for me to graduate in May 2012. I can do it but I have two practium left and it makes me nervous. I will be so busy the next 1 1/2 years then I would have my BA in Social Work.  So needless to say I wanted fast food and I even drove into McDonald and drove up and forgot my drivers window is broken and I did not want to park and go in so I drove away.  So I overcame the temptation but I had this great desire for a comforted that was bad for me. I wanted McDonalds. 

ME? Working out

Worked out and enjoyed it. Pushed myself a little. Did my weights, but I walked 1.6 miles in 30 at the speed of 3.  I believe I am most proud  of myself for keeping goal of no fast food Since Sept. 6. I feel like I am earning my tokens as a recovering addict you receive tokens for each 30 days you are sober/clean at AA/NA. Up to 90 days then its by years.

I'm almost......................

   Today is my niece's birthday and she turned four today. She is Tina number 5 child and she acts alot like my sister. I was talking with her and she told me she was almost 5. Tina then went on to call it her almost 5 birthday. I started to think about I am almost..............What am I almost?  So I decided
That I am almost enjoying my workouts
That I have joy in my life that I am almost daily with that goal
That I am almost done with school with my BA in social work.
That I am almost a wife................giggle!
That I am almost a really good daughter, mother, member of the church, worker..........
The fact Deborah is almost 5 is ok because in her world at 5 she can chew gum. How many of us including me has forgot the joy of chewing gum?

This is one of my favorite pictures of Deborah. It makes wonder what she almost was that day...............

good, better, and best

 We had ward conference today and the theme was good, better and best. I have often thought about this subject when choosing over one good thing vs. another good thing. I loved his examples of good, better and best by Elder Oaks.
It is good to belong to our Father in Heaven’s true Church and to keep all of His commandments and fulfill all of our duties. But if this is to qualify as “best,” it should be done with love and without arrogance. We should, as we sing in a great hymn, “crown [our] good with brotherhood,”9 showing love and concern for all whom our lives affect. 
In my past I have done many right or righteous things for the wrong reasons but the more I do them the more it becomes a righteous reason. So I think of these of the good. 
The more it becomes and my heart takes a change, it becomes better and finally when I am doing whatever the assignment with a pure love for the person then that is the best. Not only do I feel it in my heart but I often think that I can feel my heart growing and I know that I feel that my heart is turning to God and trying to do more of the "best" things.  
Sometimes i get so busy in what i suppose to do and school, work, homework, amani (work), church callings, visiting teaching, church, reading the scriptures, being Christ like, eating healthy, exercises, etc..... that I lose the fact that I am suppose to be doing it joyfully. That I have to admit that my life is crazy (unmanageable) and I need the spirit with me to accomplish all that I need to do. That what I have planned may not be what Heavenly Father has planned for me. More often then not my life is not what I have planned but more what he has planned.  

10-10-10

 I surrender my date of 10-10-10. I am not sure what is wrong with me except in order for me to keep that goal I need to date. Which means what??

Internet dating-Have you looked at some of the men of these sites
Where to meet men?  church? there are no available men
school? ( only if I was 21 that might be the chance) Work? They are either married or gay
Especially when you are 45 and not willing to give up your dreams for husband

Day of Truth!!

 This week has been a little harder with the fast food but I made it without fast food. But that little devil on the shoulder has been tempting me all week. We all have those if mine only could be like the cartoon and you could flick him off. Just the thought makes me giggle!!!

Along with this goal for class of no fast food well I decided to really get serious and loss some weight. I Have been working out at the YMCA with weights and cardo. Well today I have a great work out. I walked at the speed of 3.0 and inclination of 2.0 for the distance of 1.33 miles in 30 minutes. That sounds like a lot but two weeks ago it took me 45 minutes with no inclination for a mile. So I have made progress and no I am not trying to kill myself. I am trying my best to learn to look forward to working out. So this week I have added watching my points or calories. Did I write that I am down to one 12 oz can of diet MD which in itself is a accomplishment since I was drinking a gallon of regular MD a day. Each day in my prayers I ask Heavenly Father to help me not like the taste of any soda, so slowly with my desire it is working.
Weight: 221  Waist 45 which the weight is up a pound but I am feeling so much better. But my waist is down 3 inches from last week

Day of Truth!!

 This week has been a little harder with the fast food but I made it without fast food. But that little devil on the shoulder has been tempting me all week. We all have those if mine only could be like the cartoon and you could flick him off.

HOPE and TEMPTATION

In step 2 the principle is Hope. I think the word hope is the most amazing word in all the words. In the dictionary the following are definations fo the word:

1.the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

verb (used with object)

6.to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7.to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory.

So today I sitting thinking about my life and sometimes it seems like why does everything have to be so hard. I try to do the right things and treat people in my life. I am going to school so that I am able to have a better life and help change my little corner of the world. Today I learned that senior practium is 330 hours which boils down to 20 hours a week at the site. Which means 40 hours at school and 20 hours on the site and

homework, church, home, family, and  whatever else..................................How am I going to do it all. So I am sitting here being very discouraged and then I think about step 2 which is Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health. 

i know that this step works and that God is in charge. This is where the principle of hope comes into play. I know that miracles happen and I trust that he will not only improve my spiritual health but I also know that includes my temporal health. 

Check in: today was a VERY tempting day I wanted Fast Food . I wanted the bread and sloppy melted cheese and the hamburger and the salt and the french fries. Well, everyone knows that for a small fry you have to use 2 packages of salt!!! It did not matter to which one but I wanted the food. But I overcame and went straight home and settled for a lean pizza pocket. The temptation was strong and I even heard myself say "NO ONE WILL KNOW"  . Note to self: tell the final story of Eric. 

Just Thursday!!

 I do believe this has been the longest week in history. I do not know why really. I am excited I only have one class today and I am going to lunch with a friend from my old ward. Then I have lots of homework. Kevin(my friend) came over last night and fixed my computer. Something I know and am very grateful I have wonderful friends. This morning I was thinking about a conversation I had at work and we were talking about the fact that I am involved in alot of things and how I treat the guest at the hospital. I really never noticed how I treat them except I do try to treat like I would want my parents treated. I told her about the church and the fact that we are taught to love our neighbors. This morning I was reading in the Liahona 2002 Pres. Eyring's talk True Friends. It is excellent. The following is a quote in the talk and its talking about how we must treat people:
"we must love them. That is what the Savior does. We can do it with Him and for Him. He showed us the way in His mortal ministry. He taught by precept and example that we are to love His disciples.
“This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

“Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.

“Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.”

I have firm knowledge that one day when I die at the judgment seat in front of God his first question to me will be "Did you love your neighbor and did you take care of my sheep?"  Other wise did I walk the walk and talk and the talk. I pray for this knowledge everyday and know that I learn something from everyone I meet along my path.

Liver!!

 This morning I had a doctor's appointment to check several things: First my knee has been hurting for two weeks and it hurts to walk it hurts to sit with it so pretty much it hurts all the time. We did an xray of the knee and now we are waiting.  Second my side is hurting more and more each day which usually means my liver is enlarged again. We did blood work to see how the enzymes are doing.  Finally the third thing my ears were hurting which is always the first sign of a lung infection. We ended up putting me back on steroids and antibodies for the infection and the wheezing.  Which the last two is consequences of my choice to use drugs 11 years ago. After I left the doctor, I was thinking about the scriptures and where in Mosiah 3:19 where it talks about what the Lord has seen fit to afflict upon you. I know me and I know that Heavenly Father knows me and knows that if I did not have 2x4 hitting me up the side of the head I would not get it or remember it. So I know that if I did not have to pay deep and serious consequences of my choices then I would forget how painful it was. Which the first is caused by my weight so it is another sign that its so important I lose to win.
Dr. Oz took a cross-section of a healthy liver (left) and an unhealthy liver (middle) to better demonstrate the differences.

The healthy liver is soft, smooth and supple. The unhealthy liver contains little nodules, The liver serves to process all the materials you bring into your body, which it can't do if it's diseased.

Step 2

Step 2 is Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.

This weekend was easier then I thought. I did not go to any fast food restaurants and i am very proud of myself for that. But Saturday when I was driving I thought how sad it was that I could drive down the road and tell you what I liked at every fast food window. It was amazing at the thought of how I  could spend that energy and the money that I had spend. It made me feel like so many years ago when I added the cost of my addiction to crack and it was overwhelming and sad and many more words that I could not write.
 In the recovery book it states that as I will see the tender mercies of the Lord in your life as you learn to watch for them and as you come to believe that the power of God can indeed help you recover.
I believe that this statement applies to every person and their addictions (habits). I know that this step is important and has been a huge step in my recovery. The fact that God send his son who loved me enough to suffer for all my sins and trangressions (including overeating) and to die for me. To think my older brother loved me enough to die for me so that I might have eternal life is amazing. That My desires, cravings, and sins were important enough to him that he was willing to help me. I know that these 12 steps can lead to a happy, joyful, peaceful life.

Really??? Honesty

Its been 5 days since I started my addiction class project and I have found it hard. I have thought about fast food as I drive by the restaurants and I have thought how easy it would be. So I want to tell you that is how addiction feels, when I was getting clean from crack that is all I thought about how nice it would be to forget. Like the food how nice it would be get a quick high if that is what you want to call it. My body is even yelling for the grease and junk of the food. It feels like its saying I am used to the junk what is going on? This week my stomach has felt better then it has in a long time.

Fast Food Restaurant	Type	Serving Size (g)	Calories	Total Fat (g)	Saturated Fat (g)	Trans Fat (g)	Carbs (g)	Sodium (mg)
McDonald's	Regular	100	250	9	3.5	0.5	31	520
Burger King	Regular	121	290	12	4.5	0	30	560
Wendy's	Jr. Hamburger	Unknown	230	8	3	0	26	500

These are my favorite three quick places to go. These are the calories count for a simple hamburger or better known as a junior.

So now here goes the hard honest part. I want to lose weight so this addiction project just made it easy to start on my goal. I started working out at YMCA. So there I really got scared. I weight myself and measure my waist. so this is the hard part if I am going to apply the twelve steps to this process I have to make myself accountable for my actions which include the honest truth. So I will keep track of my weight and waist measurements. Which I will put on here every saturday. It took me 25.30 minutes to walk a mile with 2 inclination. Sometimes which is step 1 honesty is the hardest part of all of this.    Weight: 220 waist 48 inches

family stuff

Today I just needed a good laugh. I was reading my sister's blog and I think I haven't laughed so hard for along time. Tina is amazing person and she is my best friend. I can not imagine my life without her nor do I ever want to try. Tina is three years younger then me and I am the big sister. But alot of times during my life I have felt that she has it so much more together then I do. When I was out there to visit her back in March it amazed me how many people love her and how she has touched so many people lives by living a Christ like life. She lives what she believes and she teaches her children that to. Today I have thought about her alot and wanted to share what a great sister I have. I do wish everyone had one like her. WE are very different but we both have been taught by goodly parents who love our Heavenly Father and for that I am grateful.

Desire

  This morning as I was reading I am in 2 Nephi. This scripture like many others I have read many times

 2 Nephi 4: 18-21 I am emcompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins, nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. 

My God hath been my support, he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness, and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. 

He Hath fill me with his love, even unto the comsuming of my flesh. 

When I was reading this I thought more of the temptations of the world, Since I am working on my weight issues. Its true that we have been encouraged to be eat properly and not to over eat. So the temptations (quick easy food, ex: fast food with lots of calories) do easily tempt me. When I do not stop or overeat I feel better or joyful, and when I don't my heart hurts ( heart disease is the number one killer in USA, one way to prevent it by not being overweight). But through it all and the reason why I am doing this because I know that I trust my Heavenly Father with my whole being. And only he guided me through my own wilderness (journey) and he preserved (saved) my life for a purpose. I know that he loves me and I know that I love Heavenly Father. 

 In the LDS recovery book it states and I have firm testimony of the power of living the 12 steps and applying them to my life. 

" Even though people's addictions are different, some truths, like this one never vary-nothing begins without an individual's will to make it begin." Then later in the book it states the only requirement to begin is the desire to stop. If your desire is small and inconsistent today: don't worry. It will grow! 

But arent these statement true with everything good and bad for us. When we desire for a change that is when it will begin.   My desires are to lose weight!! Yesterday was a good day as far as the food. Today I start exercising between classes. 

 

Unmanageable or Honesty

   After thinking about what does it really mean to admit your life is unmanageable. That could and does apply to so many aspects of life. So often I find that i have submit everything I do and want to my Heavenly Father. I am often reminded that his plan for my life is alot different then what I tend to believe is best for my life. So I don't know if the question is about admitting or if is should how honest are we willing to be with ourselves. Sometimes its that honesty that I am most afraid of. If I am honest with myself and I mean truly honest with myself then I know what I have to do. Some of the answers come from the desires we had before. I am so grateful for the knowledge that Heavenly Father loves me personally and knows of these desires so deeply and all he is waiting for is me to acknowledge his presents.

slipped or not????

  Today has been a really day. The one thing I have found out is that I need to pack my lunch even if I think I am going to come home to study. The one thing i was taught when I was getting clean from drugs was to be prepared for a craving or temptation. Today I did not go through the drive thru but I did go in Kentucky fried chicken and ordered my lunch.I did not prepare for an emergency or a change in plans like I know to do. In all things we should learn wisdom from.........................................
 Tomorrow should be a interesting day from this experience.
Today I have my religion class and its the old testiment. The teacher spend time in Israel and has lots of photographs. But we talked about Abraham leaving his home of Ur and exactly where that is. So I really enjoy the class!!!
The remains of Ur are called today "Tell el-Mukayyar" and can be found near the city of Nasiriyah, south of Baghdad in modern day Iraq.  A Tell is city ruin. In class we learned that under the top city there are many layers of ruins. I thought it was interesting.

First step

  In the morning I have began to read the recovery manual and the scriptures that go along with it. For the first step it we often fail to admit that we have lost the ability to resist. So I am applying this to food, I often use food like I did dope. When I am happy to celebrate, when I am sad to feel the saddeness, when I am depressed to feel the loneliness, when I am bored to fill the boredom, so just like the crack I feel the holes often with food. I know with the drug it was different because I was trying to hide from facing all these feelings and along with these feelings. With the crack it was a hole in my soul and  I was trying to hide from God. I know and have strong testimony of the Savior and his love for me. The fact I know that the atonement is for me and I have been forgiven of the sins of along time ago is what brings me true joy. The peaceful feeling of knowing when I sleep that I can do it with peace is important.
 I am working on submitting my will on this matter of the food. I want to lose but how bad?
In my scripture readings this morning I went back to Mosiah 3:19

  The traits we should process is listed: submissive, meek, humble, patient (this one I need to work on) full of love, willing to submit all things which the Lord has seen fit to inflict upon you.
   The list is amazing to me, in the bible where it talks about how we should become like a child well these are the traits that a child has. The last sentence willing to submit all to the Lord even our troubles or the things that bother our temporal bodies. So to submit all things! That is what I am working on.

Check in!!

Today often I thought how easy it would be to stop and grap something at a window. Instead I went grocery shopping and brought really easy things to cook. Lets see if it works. I know I need to keep snacks in my car so that I wont be tempted as bad.

The First day and reasons why?

 So this is the day we are suppose to start the assignment for my Understanding Addictions. So I am hoping today goes well.
 The first step is:  Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
The first step of AA:  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (weight)-that our lives had become unmanageable.

This step is about honesty and how honest can we come with ourselves. I know this step is one of the hardest ones. Yes, I want to lose weight but has my life became unmanageable. To some degree I can not walk up stairs, I can not chase after a young child, and when I take a shower I have to lift a stomach flab to make sure that is clean. I guess to some degree it is unmanageable.I know there is alot more unmanageable about me being this overweight so as I think of them I will write about them.  Am I willing to work hard at losing weight. I know I often have to work hard at everything I want in life. Am I willing to look at the way I eat and exercise to lose weight and inches. For this I am not sure. This morning as I was reading I believe this scripture helped realize a few things

2 Nephi 1:13 “Oh that ye would awake; awake from a deep sleep, yea, even from the sleep of hell, and shake off the awful chains by which ye are bound, which are the chains which bind the children of men, that they are carried away captive down to the eternal gulf of misery and woe.”


I am considering the chain my weight, I am bound by it and it is not the healthy and I am capture by it in how I want to live my life. As I know you have as individual have to move the steps at your own pace and I know I am really going to pray about how my weight has helped my life become unmanageable.
There are a very things I know which are the whys I want to lose weight:
1. My health even though I have been clean for 11 years I know the extra weight does not help my lungs and liver both are damaged from the previous drug use.
2. I want to buy some regular clothes.
3. When I am done with school and I am working how can ask people to be healthy in every way if I am not.  Which in my opinion means body, mind, and soul.
4.  I do not want extra large casket when I die
5. I almost don't fit into the movie seats and airplane seats.
6. I have the deep desire to exercise and work at this.
7. Someday I will have grandchildren and I do not want to be the FAT grandma!!!

Why angel flaps

  I started school again. I am beginning to feel normal.  I have to lose weight. Today when I looked at myself in the mirror I realized that I had become the greatest fear. So as I was looking at my arms I noticed all the flap under the arms. My grandma scott used to call it her angel flap. So this blog is going to be about how I am trying to lose weight. I have done like everyone else and have done every weight losing program out there. So i have decided i know of one program that can change the very soul and heart of a person. I have a firm testimony of the 12 steps of AA. I really know that the 12 steps that have been rewrote by my church that is used in the recovery program works. So I have tried every man made thing on this earth so now I am putting the idea of the 12 steps to work on my weight.
   This semester at school I am starting my junior year as a accepted student in the social work program and I am doing a understanding addictions. Which I have fairly good understanding. I know how a substance can control the very being of your soul but in the class we have assignment to give up something that will be hard for us. So I have decided to give up fast food.
The defination of fast food is anything that has a drive up window. Which this assignment starts in the morning. So I will be blogging about this and my weight progress.